beautiful dancing infidel

stuff...

2006-05-01T18:45:00.000-05:00

So it’s been a long time since I’ve updated this.  I figured it was about time to recount some of the stuff that’s been going on with me.

Graduation is in less than three weeks.  I’m not sure how I feel about it.  I’m excited mostly because it means I won’t have to do work for the summer…well…apart from working at my favorite place in the whole world.  And I’m working at LCCC again this summer as a wilderness counselor.  I’m pretty excited about it.

I recently finished two capstones.  I feel good about that.  Now I just have some small stuff to get done before the end of the year.  However, it just happens that all of those things I need to do are going to be occurring on the exact same day. :0)

I’ve been doing a lot of rock climbing recently.  If I had to guess four years ago what activities would interest me now, I’m fairly certain rock climbing wouldn’t have been on the list.  My mom got me some gear for my birthday.  So I have my own shoes and harness and stuff.  Mike and I have been going pretty much twice a week for the last couple of months.  I finally feel like I’m improving.  On Saturday I finally made it up this one climb that I had been working on for what seems like forever.  I was pretty proud of myself.  Anyway, if you ever want to go climbing, we go to McConnell’s Mill pretty often.  Just let me know!

So, last May 1st, Mike and I broke up.  It’s weird to think how much can change in a year.  Now I find myself completely in love with the guy who broke my heart a year ago.  There’s something about that experience, though, that makes me feel so much more certain of the fact that I want to spend the rest of my life with Mike.  He is amazing in ways that I can’t even begin to describe now.  ***

I should probably work on stuff, but I don’t want to.  Bleh.  But if I don’t I could find myself in trouble.  Oh well.  I have time tomorrow…I’ll get it done. :-P

My last spring break

2006-03-20T15:05:00.000-05:00

My last spring break as an undergrad student is virtually over.  This is one of two spring breaks where I actually traveled somewhere.  This is the first spring break in which I planned ahead of time to go somewhere.  Libby and I went to VA a couple of years ago, but in our usual manner, that was a completely impromptu endeavor.

We went to NYC for a few days.  Well, really we went to Nyack, NY and then spent one day in NYC.  I really love that city, but with each visit, my feelings toward it change a little.  I love the steady flow of energy of the streets and I love the food and the people.  I think I love it because it encompasses all that is real and gritty about being human and being alive.  There’s a dirty film covering everything in the city, and I like it because it reminds me that even though I’ve been “redeemed” that film covers me too.

I got to finish a book over break.  I read Real Sex: the Naked Truth About Chastity by Lauren Winner.  I’ve read quite a few of the relationship/sex books written for Christians.  This is the first one that I’ve read and thought, “Hey, I could actually apply this book to my life.”  In it, she discusses a lot of the lies that the church tells about sex (premarital sex isn’t fun, you’ll feel like an awful person if you have sex, women don’t like sex, etc).  I could talk more about the content, but if you’re interested I’d recommend just reading the book.  The book made me think a lot about myself as a sexual creature (and now you’re thinking, O Lord, Nadia…please don’t talk about that!).  I recognize that as a human I am susceptible to desire.  And now that I’m in a relationship (with a wonderful boy who loves me and wants to be with me for a long time :-)) I’ve thought a lot more about sex and what role it plays and will play in my life.

I guess I never really had a good reason to say no to sex before marriage even though I’m committed to abstinence.  I’ve always felt (more or less) that sex is a personal decision made for personal reasons.  I still believe that, but Lauren Winner’s book has opened my mind to the more communal aspects of sexual behavior, in that it impacts you in such a way as to merit other people knowing about what you do with your significant/random other.  The book convicted me a lot, while reminding me that God created our bodies for service to him.  While my body is mine now, I realize how much I want to surrender it to purposes higher than the physical.

Another thing that all of this had lead me to think about is the idea that our past sexual encounters never fully leave us.  Even though I have no past encounters to speak of, I can testify to the strength of those memories experienced vicariously.  I know that my heart hurts for the things that some of the people in my life have experienced.  And I know that those things not only affect the one who experienced them, but can also continue to hurt and influence the other people in that person’s life.  Everything in life has some affect on us, but I can recognize the unique nature of this sort of experience.  There’s a world of hurt there that I can’t even begin to fathom.

I don’t know why I talked about all of this, but I did.  I have about two months until I graduate, and that’s scary.  It’s also kind of exciting because it means I get to go to seminary and work at camp again this summer.  Good stuff.

stuff...

2006-02-18T15:20:00.000-05:00

It’s been a while since I’ve updated this thing, so I figured since I’m in the mood for procrastination, that I would take the opportunity right now. It’s been a good month…a full month. I passed my senior recital hearing this week and the recital is in two weeks. I’m actually excited about it, which is a weird feeling. Being in 2 capstones kind of stinks, but I figure it could be a lot worse. I got accepted to Pittsburgh Theological Seminary and I’m pretty sure that’s where I’m going to go next year. Mike and I went on our first date to a monster truck rally last weekend (so that’s kind of a lie…we actually went to Rachel’s on our first date the night before, but I think it’s more fun to say that a monster truck rally was the first date). This year was my first Valentine’s Day actually being in love with someone, and it gave me a new appreciation for it. Mostly, being in love gives you a new appreciation for a lot of things. It’s surprising what I’ve learned in that arena in the last month or so, but I’m thankful for every moment and I’m pretty sure I’ve never been happier. :-) I interviewed to work at Ligonier again this summer…only on Wilderness staff. Mike plans on coming back too. So it should be a fun summer, assuming I’ll be able to work there.

Basically, life is good. I’m happy and I’m busy and my life is full of God’s blessings. I’m not sure I could have said that several months ago, and it feels good to be able to say that now.

2006-01-14T10:10:00.000-05:00

So I might have gotten another tattoo...

Last night Sarah Louise and I were chilling at the Sphinx on the South Side when we started talking about tattoos. We were discussing possible tattoos for the future and she mentioned that she wanted to get a star behind her ear. I, too, had been considering getting a star tattoo and so as an act of bonding and mutual rebellion we decided to both get star tattoos last night.

I don't think the picture gives an entirely accurate view of the tattoo. Mostly cause I took it myself and it's still has the stencil outline and it's poofy...cause...well...it's an open wound. :-P It is indeed of three stars. The two little ones are purple, and the on in the middle is purple fading up to pink. When I saw it last night as I was laying in the chair I squealed with delight. That was after I resisted the urge to scream in pain. You see, said tattoo is located on my hip bone (risque!) and it hurt like a mother to get. The one I got over the summer didn't hurt because there was plenty of muscle beneath it. This one hurt super bad. But I'm a trooper.

Anywho. Wanted to share that with y'all.

In other news...heading back to school tomorrow...

stuff

2006-01-09T20:55:00.000-05:00

So my big brother got married two days ago.  I can’t believe Bryan Tarantina is someone’s husband and will probably be someone’s father soon.  Jamin and I trekked to VA for the wedding.  It was really pretty.  While he was standing at the altar, Bryan gave me a big smile and I about died.  I know he’s so in love with Amberly and I’m very happy for him.

I’m feeling poor right now.  The new car has been expensive.  I’m happy I did it, but I don’t feel as if I can spend any money in right conscious.  Meanwhile, I purchased a pair of jeans today.  However I mostly bought them because they were a size 8 and I haven’t fit into a size 8 since middle school.  Not gonna lie…I was a little excited. :-P

My Pittsburgh Seminary application is almost done.  Gotta work on the “personal statement” a little more and get some forms filled out, but for the most part it’s finished.

The weekend of the first, Mike came up and had dinner and then we went to New Wilmington for New Years.  It’s a funny thing…missing someone.  What I wouldn’t give for a hug right now…  I wondered, as we started over, if I wanted to try again.  The last time we dated, it wasn’t good.  But now, I’m in awe of what this is like – what it’s like to be loved like this and to love.  Just good. (

After the first, we drove to Ligonier for the reunion.  Sweet times.  It was amazing going back and seeing everyone.  It made me want to work there again next summer, and I super duper hope that I’ll be able to.  I miss that place and those people so much.

Well it’s time for other things.  Later.

kinda touchy...

2005-12-30T17:29:00.000-05:00

So this guy on Fox News just got done saying that Brokeback Mountain was made as a gay propaganda tool, and then went on to discuss the "evils" of homosexuality while an in-studio audience gladly applauded him.  My first question is, how is it okay to release films where people are viciously tortured, murdered, and raped, and where scenes of graphic sex pour eagerly into our homes and local movie theaters, but it isn’t okay to release a movie that deals with two men who fall in love?

I don't understand how the evangelical right can point fingers saying that this movie is "pro-gay propaganda" while not admitting that their own talking heads are spreading an even more malicious propaganda of hate.

Maybe I should preface this entry with a disclaimer, but I think it’s too late.  Alas, I have been liberalized.  That’s what some would argue I guess.  And by even bringing up this issue, I find myself trapped.  For some, support of gay rights automatically makes me a heretic.  But if I say that I don’t advocate the gay lifestyle, then I become nearly inhuman.  It’s a ridiculous catch 22.  The truth is, I do support gay rights and believe that a person’s particular sexuality has very little to do with his or her humanity.  By that I mean that it is not okay to retract love and decency from a person simply because you don’t agree with a persons choice/predisposition towards attraction to members of the same sex.

Now if we play the Bible card, as most Christians do, the Christian finds him or herself in an interpretive predicament.  I’m not going to go into the verses where homosexuality is addressed.  I don’t feel that I’m qualified (even after 4 years of undergraduate religious studies) to tackle this interpretive issue.  What angers me more is the use of the Bible to propagate hate.  Since when was the Bible a tool to be used to attack people?  But for many, that is one of several self-centered uses God’s word offers.  Can we, in right conscious and right standing, really believe that it’s okay to use the Bible to condemn people?  Are we so naïve as to think that it is our role to condemn anyone at all?

This isn't about right versus wrong, homosexual versus heterosexual, or about good and evil.  I, personally, don't worship a God of hate, and nor will I stand beside a position that advocates hate...regardless of the context.  I’ve heard someone say that “Jesus doesn’t like homosexuals.”  I guess all I have to say to that is, “What?!”  You know, I don’t know what Jesus would say about this movie or about the ordination of homosexuals.  And I think we do a disservice to Jesus by putting words into his mouth, when he never spoke of these issues at all.

There’s a common phrase I hear:  “Don’t hate the sinner, hate the sin.”  I think that statement in itself passes judgment.  I’ve used that phrase many times, and I’ll probably use it again, but for right now I want to take a moment to consider my own motives.  Maybe you can take a moment to consider yours as well.  Mostly, I wonder about the future of the church, and I wonder how it will survive when the only voices many hear from it are voices of hate.  I think we’re in the midst of an identity crisis as a church, and I can only pray we find a voice of love in the midst of politics and self-righteousness.

i bought a car!

2005-12-27T16:34:00.000-05:00

It's only been a week since I updated last, but lots and lots has happened. Take the following picture for instance. This is my new car:

It's a 2002 Dodge Neon with about 58,000 miles on it. I got a good deal, so I bought it. I'm pretty darn excited. I am not excited about the monthly payment, though. Guess I'm growing up.

I also got a digital camera for christmas, hence the picture posting. :-P

My dad is in town for a couple of days and we're hanging out. It's nice to have some time to hang out with him. The Ligonier reunion is this weekend and I'm super excited. I got to see Jill last week and that was awesome. I really missed her...as I miss a lot of people.

So I saw The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe last week. I was a little disappointed by it. It would have been hard to live up to my expectations...considering it's one of my favorite books ever.

Not entirely sure what I'm doing for the first. I think Mike and I are gonna hang out, which is exciting. If you wanna hang out with us, let me know. :-)

Thought I had more to say, but I guess I don't. Back to watching trashy TV.

...

2005-12-18T15:44:00.000-05:00

So I’m sitting in my house in New Wilmington completely alone accept for the TV and my penguin, Sparky.  Don’t get me wrong…Sparky the penguin is good company, but I think I’d rather be with another Sparky… :-)

Anywho.  It’s officially Christmas break and I’m staying here to get some stuff done before I head home.  Gotta apply to seminary and teach some lessons.  But I’m hoping that I’ll be able to head home tomorrow to help bake cookies and buy presents and enjoy my family.

I think I found a car I really want to buy.  It’s a 99 Volkswagen Beetle and it’s lime green.  However, I’m a little scared of making the investment and using a lot of the money I have in savings.  I need to check and make sure that I’m actually getting a refund from the school next semester.  Cause if I’m not, buying a car probably isn’t the wisest thing right now.  However, I could really use a car…

Last night, I discovered my new favorite restaurant and it is none other than Bahama Breeze.  They have the tastiest pina coladas ever.  Then Renee, Erin, and I went to IKEA for a little while.  I had never been to IKEA before and must say it was quite the experience.  I wanted to buy a chair to sit in while playing video games, but I fear a penguin stole my heart and I forgot about a chair.

I realized today that I have a pretty busy break ahead of me.  And I’m not going to be working.  Even though I know that I should.  I might try to work a little after Christmas, but the problem is I can’t work any weekends.  I don’t know.  I’m going to be teaching lessons, but that’s only $20 a week.  Not a lot of money really…

Well, I suppose I shall go back to watching the Steelers.  They’re winning.  And the play-offs would be nice…

doodoodoo

2005-12-10T09:31:00.000-05:00

It’s been awhile.  Well.  The semester is drawing to a close and I find myself facing only one more semester at Westminster College.  Not gonna lie…that’s kinda weird.

It’s been a busy couple of weeks, but they’ve been good weeks…better weeks than I’ve had in a very long time.  Makes me think that there’s hope for my messed up head and me.  Christmas is coming soon and I am looking forward to some time off.  Bryan’s wedding is soon and that’s exciting.  Jamin and I are gonna tear up the east coast together…okay well maybe just Virginia, Maryland, and PA.  The Ligonier staff reunion is coming soon, and I’m excited to see everyone and to confirm that my summer was not just a very long dream.  I’ve been thinking about the summer recently.  Only because I’m trying to understand the things I was thinking and feeling then in comparison to how I feel now.  It’s hard to believe that it was me doing and saying all of those things over the summer, but it was.

I want to play in the snow.  There’s lots of it and I think it deserves playing in.

So I was thinking about the phrase, “I love you.”  There’s something weird about it…like how we shorten it to “love ya,” or “love you,” or even change the spelling of the word love to “luv.”  I was trying to think about why that is (excluding the laziness of American society).  Maybe it’s scary to say and really mean.  Lots of people say it, but I don’t think they mean it.  But if you mean it, I think you should include the pronouns in their proper forms.  Cause isn’t that weird?  How we’ll remove the subject from the statement – the “I” – and then we’ll shorten the “you?”  Hmm.

I want only one thing for Christmas, but I’m scared as heck to ask for it or even talk about it.

Okay.

thanks

2005-11-24T15:28:00.000-05:00

This one Thanksgiving, my cousins and I wrote a play about this weird little guy who invented Worchester sauce.  Only we called it Worchestershire.  Annie was Worchestershire.  It was completely ridiculous.

I was thinking about that, and about how this year we’re all so much older, but we still eat at the kid’s table.  Jenna and I are convinced that our year to eat with the adults is coming soon.  I wondered if we were allowed to be adults when we brought boyfriends/husbands home for holidays.  My uncle Mike said that we would probably still be considered kids then.  We would just be eating at the kid’s table with said beaus.  Neither Jenna nor I have brought a guy home…so that theory will be left unproven for now.  Then I thought maybe we would be adults after we had kids.  But I don’t think that works either because as long as our kids are young, we’re going to have to help them eat.  So basically I’m going to be eating at the kid’s table forever.  Oh well.  It’s more fun there, anyway.

I’ve been thinking about thankfulness because…well…it’s Thanksgiving.  It’s what you’re supposed to do.  I’m thankful for a lot…like family, friends, health…stuff like that.  I’m also thankful looking back on this past year.  It’s so weird to think about what was going on in my life a year ago and what’s going on in my life now.  Some people have come and go, some have left and then made surprising re-entrances, and others have regrettably taken a back seat.  That makes me sad, but it also makes me breathe deeper.  I can feel my mortality in the changes.  It reminds you that life is not only happening within your frame of perspective, but also outside of you.  Parents get older, friends start new lives, and life goes on.  I’m thankful for the passing of time.

I’m also thankful for hurt this year.  It’s like getting sand in your mouth and feeling the grit against your teeth and tasting the salt.  And you know how you can never seem to get sand out of your clothes and out of those body parts where sand shouldn’t be?  Hurt is like that too.  And how sand wears away at shells and stones until they’re smooth?  It’s like that too.  At the same time that the things that hurt you roughen you, they also smooth you out.  I don’t know how though.

Thanksgiving is a great holiday for reflection.  But I’m going to use it to look ahead too.  I’m excited about next year, about what life has for me.  Don’t get me wrong…I’m as scared as hell too.  That’s life I guess.

On another note…Sarah Louise’s visit was incredible.  Too many screwdrivers, good hookah, good food, and tons of fun.  I loved being with her and I can’t wait to see her again!

Time to think about eating Thanksgiving dinner.  Going to see the Rockette’s tomorrow.  Snow on the ground.  Yeah Thanksgiving.

what do you want?

2005-11-11T18:26:00.000-05:00

I wrote this my freshman year of college (I think).  Anyway…I post it only as a reminder to myself.  How dangerous it is to forget what one wants…

I realized what I want.  I woke up one morning and wondered why I felt so unsatisfied.  I was taking a bath.  Maybe the hot water jostled the right nerve.  I don’t know.  But I suddenly realized how much I wanted to live.  Maybe that should be obvious.  I realized that I don’t want to settle for my own limitations anymore.  I don’t want to hold back anymore.  I’m sick of answering to people who neither ask for my allegiance nor rely upon it.  Maybe I’m tired of being a people person.  Maybe I’m tired of putting everyone else’s happiness over my own.  I am tired.  I’m sick.  I’ve always tried to be what everyone wants me to be.  I’m not that person…and as much as I’ve tried to convince myself that I am, I know that I’m not.  I’m not really that careful, or that tactful.  I do speak my mind, and I like how it feels to be heard.  I appreciate the people in my life who do hear me…the people who hear me and then don’t judge me.  I love to have conversations about questions that don’t have answers.  I love to contemplate the mysteries, dreams, ideals, values, and uncertainties of any and all aspects of our daily lives.  My friends really are that special to me.  I love my family even more.  I hate to obey the status quo.  If you tell me I can’t do it, I want to try.  I want to be the one to prove that what can’t be done really can be.  I want to pick up and go whenever and wherever I feel.  I want to be able to jump into the car and drive anywhere…armed only with good friends and the audacity to do something I’ve never done before.  I want to be spontaneous.  I want to live with a never say die spirit and the courage to be myself in a world demanding that I be someone else.  I want to surround myself with people who share that spirit…people who like to live out of the now and who aren’t afraid to be themselves.  I want to have many careers and one passion.  I want to try it all before I settle down.  I don’t want to settle down.  I don’t want to ever get completely comfortable.  Because when you let yourself get comfortable, you cease to grow.  Comfort does not equal happiness.  Happiness comes from God…it comes from within.  This world will never make me happy.  It will never satisfy me.

I need my alone time.  I need those quiet moments to be myself and to merely exist, basking in the awareness that I am alive.  These are the times that God speaks to me.  Sure, I can sense him in the hustle and bustle of the world around me, but I’m more apt to miss him…much like walking past a flower or a bug.  They’re there…and I may see them…but I don’t let them matter to me.  I am fiercely independent.  As much as I long for companionship, I like answering to my own rules.  If I feel stifled, I’ll beg for space.  I may not say a thing, but I’ll demand time to be solitary.

I love God.  And I love this spirit that he’s put inside of me.  I love all of the ways that I’m unique.  I love that this life is for living and that our Lord let’s us live it.  I want to fall in love with my Savior.  I want to wake up in the morning and desire nothing more than to be in the presence of the God of the universe.  I want to fall recklessly in love.  I want to find him…the one that God made for me.  I want to look into his eyes and know what it means to love someone with all of my heart.  I want moments spent lying together in bed with his arms around me.  I can’t wait for the conversations and the little moments.  I can’t wait for the kisses ‘just because’ and the hugs.  I want the flirting and the passion.  I can’t wait for the understanding and the support.  I want to know what it is to connect with another human being physically, emotionally, spiritually, and mentally.  I want to know what it’s like to have someone love me so much that he only wants to be with me for the rest of his life.  I want the rest of my life!   I don’t want to fear tomorrow.  Lord, I’m desperate for tomorrow…but don’t let me neglect today.  I want to experience new things and try everything that I can.  I want to see this amazing world and meet the people who roam it.  I don’t want to live half-heartedly!  I want to eat new foods and not worry about the pounds.  I want to laugh until I cry without fear of someone not getting the joke.  I refuse to live timidly!  I will not stifle the energy that pervades my thoughts and motivates me to live hugely.  This life is what we make of it…what we let God do with it!  Throw caution to the wind!  Don’t fear what you don’t know or have never done!  Life isn’t meant to be fretted over.  Follow your heart and let that still small voice lead you.  Make that voice the priority and you’ll never have to worry about doing what’s right ever again.  It’s because you’ll be living in the right…living rightly.  It’s when we worry about our priorities that our priorities get screwed up.  Live out your priorities!  If something is important, let it be important!  We don’t have to exist according to lists and rankings.  In every moment we’re different.  With every tick of the clock we’re becoming someone new.  If we worry about things changing, we’ll miss the changes occurring before our very eyes and wonder what happened.  We have to live with eyes open to this amazing world.  I want to watch people and know them after a glance.  I want to share great moments with strangers.  I want to endeavor upon even greater moments with those I love.  More than anything, I want to savor each moment.  I want to seize every opportunity.  I want a heart open to taking that leap of faith each time God leads me down a new path.  I want to wake up each day and know that I didn’t waste a second of the day before and I won’t waste a minute of the day to come.  I want to live and not merely exist.  I want to experience directly and not passively.  I want to be a participant in my own life!

I like bahama mamas.

2005-11-06T13:10:00.000-05:00

I like bahama mamas.  I also like spending money on video games and on useless things.  Perhaps I like these things because I’m sleep deprived.  I don’t know.  However, as someone wise pointed out, when we say we “don’t know” are we ever really telling the truth?  Of course, we cannot know the capital of South Dakota or how to take derivatives.  But I guess what I’m talking about is when people ask us what we’re thinking or how we’re feeling.  We know the answer.  Sometimes it’s just too scary to say out loud.

I haven’t gotten a lot of sleep in the last couple of days.  But in a lot of ways I feel more awake than ever before.  The lack of sleep is a result of one of those conversations that suspend time, and then when you think to look at a clock you see that the night is gone and that it’s early morning.  It’s the kind of conversation that changes your life, where you know you’ll never be the same for it.  A lot of times I’m not glad for change, but for once I am.

I don't understand the human capacity for love.  We are ugly, awful creatures, but this thing called love comes into us and stirs us up so that when we see the ugly in someone else it all looks beautiful.  Because our insides are too mixed up to know the difference.  And it doesn't matter because the paradox of love is at work and we don't care.  The worst things are somehow made beautiful in love's sight.  I don't understand love.

I understand enough of love to know that I am in it.  It’s a funny thing, really.  To look into someone else’s eyes as they tell you the worst thing about themselves, and instead of feeling the surge of shock or disgust or the instant betrayal of an offense that wasn’t meant against you, to feel your body sigh in peace because it’s okay.  And it isn’t okay like when a friend is late to meet you and you say it because you don’t want them to feel bad.  It’s okay because it is okay.  You know with lucid certainty that what that person says doesn’t change how you feel.  I want to say that these feelings are indicative of selflessness, but I don’t believe that entirely.  I want to believe it, though.

And I wonder about fear.  I wonder about how it grips us so fiercely that tears pop out of our eyes and our minds seem to fly from our heads like an exploding firecracker and we just make a mess of ourselves with all of the gory pieces of our bodies lying exposed in a sea of salt.  It’s strange.  And as we lie there naked with not even the strength to cover ourselves, we hope and pray that no one will find us out.  But sometimes someone does.  And when the tears that feel like traitors course down our red faces we pray that we can look into the eyes of another person who won’t reflect our shame in his or her gaze.  Such scary stuff.

I also wonder about how it’s possible to feel safest in the place where another person thinks you are in the most danger.  How I can feel safest in the arms of a person who sees his embrace as dangerous - a war torn neighborhood and I am another innocent victim with shattered limbs and a corpse’s naïve smile.  Because he doesn’t trust himself.  I wonder if ever will.  And while I wonder why my heart tells me that he will learn trust himself, to trust his body, and to trust his heart.  How can I know that?  Do I know it because I want to believe it?  Or do I believe it because it’s true?

There is a magic quality in words spoken in the quiet of those hours when mankind rests.  Even if you do not sleep, the next day is a haze and you wonder if any of it happened.  Did obese slugs really invade?  Did he really say those things?  Am I really okay that he said them?  Did I really say those things?  Is he really okay that I said them?  Is anything really okay at all?  Yes.

And so now I’m left to wonder what time will bring.  I wonder because it seems that everyday brings something so ridiculous that I could have never crafted a story like it for myself.  Everyday, God seems to reassure me that I’m in the right place doing what He would have me do.  I pray for the strength to continue, the strength to love, and the strength to believe when all of those things are hard to do in the perpetual uncertainty that is life.  Praise God for it, though.

cheer up emo kid

2005-10-31T00:03:00.000-05:00

It’s been a long week.  So long… [so long so long front foot leads the back one go on and it won’t be too soon].  It’s been an unbelievably amazing, crappy, frustrating, busy seven days.  It’ll be November in a couple of days and I’m stuck wondering what happened to this semester.  I have seminary applications that need to be finished (note the use of the passive voice to avoid implicating myself in responsibility for completing said applications…).  Seminary is an interesting issue.  I joke around about how I change my mind every week about whether I want to go or not.  I think I’m only applying to two, and I’m fairly certain I’m going to end up at the one.  Princeton is kind of a “pipe dream that could come true.”  I’m fairly certain I’ll get in, but I’m not certain that I want to pack up and move across the state.  I’ll probably be in Pittsburgh next year…close to home and to the people I care about most.  I’m enjoying this time of procrastination.  It makes me feel like I’m not really leaving.  However, I have to realize that graduation doesn’t mean dropping off of the face of the earth.  I won’t lose touch with the people I love here…or anywhere for that matter.  I have to remind myself I’m just starting a new part of my life and not joining a leper colony.  There’s hope!

I’m starting to worry about myself a little bit.  I didn’t want to get into this on an online journal, but what is an online journal if it isn’t a place to be…well…honest?  For the past six months or so I’ve been going through this funk.  After the first month, I had a pretty decent excuse…the end of another year, the end of a relationship, fear over going to camp, etc.  But I didn’t start feeling better.  I haven’t felt better.  I sleep a lot and I cry a lot and I get really down over the silliest things.  It isn’t like me, and I’m worried.  I’m afraid to use the “D” word.  I don’t want to say that there’s a possibility that there might be something seriously wrong.  I’ve been trying really hard to fight myself (and I’ve had some incredible people around me who have helped in ways that they’ll never be able to understand).  I want to believe that with each day I’m doing better, but then another bad day comes.  I don’t know.  Who am I to feel so depressed (there, I said it) all of the time?  There are real problems in this world, in the lives of people I love, and these are problems that are bigger than me.  It should be enough to get me outside of my pitiful little world, but it isn’t.  Maybe I need a hobby.  Or maybe I just need slapped with a “cheer up emo kid” bat of forced happiness.  I don’t know.  I’m sure I’ll be fine and I’m just being silly.

But life really is good.  It’s the kind of good that makes you smile a half smile and stare at the ground.  You know, the kind of good that makes your stomach and cheeks warm.  Swishing through leaves good.  Cold fall days good.  Reading a good book good.  Reading an important book good.  Mittens and scarves good.  Fair trade coffee good.  Ben Folds concert going good.  Good friends good.  Video games good.  Halloween party good.  The knowing you love someone and finding out that they love you too kind of good.

My life is full and I wonder how I could possibly want more.  I wonder how I could possibly believe that God owes me more than what I already have.  I am blessed with love and protection and wisdom and joy.  Each day is a blessing.  Somehow, though, I find a way to turn blessings into curses.  I need to not do that.

2005-10-23T15:56:00.001-05:00

I have a lot to get out of my system. There’s something moderately therapeutic about spilling things out in writing, but it’s only a momentary fix. Life can still suck even if you write about it really well.

And I suppose I’m blessed. I have a hard time laying hold of that. I have a hard time trusting in a God who would let it hurt this long. Never in my life have I been more tempted to genuinely run away. I’m so tired and I’m so empty. This morning I skipped Sunday School and church and I just left. I went walking around and I sat down in some trees where no one could see me. As I was walking along the road to whatever destination, I felt like I was playing the martyr. I wanted people to notice that I was gone. After I sat down I started to cry. I felt so afraid, so much like a child. And I wondered what I was doing. I was alone and I was afraid, but I was even more afraid to leave my hiding place. So I cried. When there were no tears left I started to write. When there were no words, I just shivered and stared. I wanted to stay there for a long time, like I did once when I was little and I hid in a rack of clothes at my dad’s pro shop. But I was cold, and I was hungry, and I felt silly as I walked back to town.

I know that in those cold hours I felt God. I felt like a child who had erred and was having her reckoning. I wanted to scream. Because I don’t understand why God would let all of this happen. I don’t understand why the days hurt and the nights are filled with anguish. I feel so conceited, so stuck on myself. But if I’m being honest, I have no idea how to not be right now. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what’s so wrong with me. I know that God loves me. I know that He’s enough. But as much as I say I know it, I don’t know it. I don’t live it. I don’t let Him satisfy me. I think that I need something, someone, to make things right. Why can’t I just trust? But life isn’t that simple. It isn’t nearly that simple. I’m not so blind and I’m not so ignorant. Somehow I can’t find the strength. Feeling like a child this morning, so much of me wanted that back. So much of me wondered why I couldn’t just trust…why can’t I just love? When will I let go of myself? When will I finally surrender? Will I ever? I sat there thinking that I couldn’t handle anymore heart break…that I’ve reached my saturation point and a day is quickly approaching when I’ll just explode…or collapse.

I didn’t know love could hurt this much. I didn’t know that I was so weak. It took this to teach me that. I see why I never pursued this before now. When it’s serious, when so much is on the line, nothing is cut and dry. And my gluttony for pain will continue. I know it will. Because somewhere, deep down, I believe that the best is going to come of all of this. I believe that there is a reason for this love and a reason for the hurt. Despite it all, I’m going to continue to love because it’s what I’m supposed to do. I don’t understand why and I don’t know how I’ll have the strength to do it, but I will. This is the fullness of human life – the pain and the joy. Paul rejoiced in his suffering and somehow I’ll find a way to too. Because isn’t this the stuff that sends us running into the arms of our Savior? Isn’t this the stuff that makes the good so much better?

I’m not going anywhere.

???

2005-10-19T15:09:00.000-05:00

I’m going to speak abstractly for a bit as I try to collect my thoughts.  Not sure why I’m warning you, but oh well.

It’s weird how the things that should clarify other things don’t actually clarify anything.  It’s strange how more information just makes things harder.  Whereas I’m grateful for knowing what I do, I wonder at what good it does to know it.  I still know I have to wait for the fulfillment of said knowledge without any idea of how it will be fulfilled.  I hate that.  It’s hard to want something and know that you can’t have it…not yet anyway.  But then you wonder how you’d feel if you had it.  Would it make you happy?  Would you instantly take it for granted?  I know that as it stands, I don’t take it for granted.  I still want what I don’t have.  But the thing is…maybe I do have the thing that I want?  What am I lacking?  I don’t think I’m lacking anything but an absolute.  And whoever ends up with that anyway?  Regardless, I don’t know where the rest of my life is going to take me.  I don’t know what I’ll want in a year, in a month, in a week.  I suspect that my feelings won’t change, but I don’t know that.  I know that I want to be like everyone else, that I don’t want to be faithful to what God is calling me to…calling us to.  And so I continue to long for the thing that will only cheapen the thing when the time comes for the thing to be had.  And at the same time I wonder if this whole waiting thing is just a cop out…an excuse to continue being afraid.  I don’t think that any course of action is going to change how afraid I feel.  Even if I were certain of the outcome, I would still be frightened by that certainty.  I am frightened by that certainty.  Somehow, I know what’s going to come of it all.  I don’t know how I know, but I do.  I have to learn to trust in this moment.  I have to learn to not fear being alone.  Because I’m not alone.  The lack of the thing doesn’t mean that the thing still isn’t there.

If that was confusing, I’m sorry.  It has to be for now.  But it makes me feel better anyway.  I have to remind myself that God is faithful.  I have to look at my life believing that I have the rest of it, and that the next few years are nothing in the span of eternity.  How do you live in the moment yet look at your life in its full?  I guess that’s God’s job.  He just wants me (all of us) to trust Him.

...

2005-10-16T09:14:00.000-05:00

This is my last fall break as a Westminster student. I saw Jars of Clay in concert on Friday. I’m in love with words. My cat almost had to have all of her hair shaved off today. I bought those brightly colored sugar cookies at Giant Eagle. I followed Jars of Clay’s tour buses home last night. I’m afraid to finish out the rest of this year. I have a good friend in my mom. TV Guide is now the size of a normal magazine. The Things They Carried is a really good book. Corpse Bride is the kind of movie that makes me glad to have eyes and ears to experience movies. Pornography is stupid. I’m going to write a book someday. I realized I have to actually put together a résumé. I might work at the Fudgery over Christmas break. Donald Miller spoke at the concert and reminded me why I adore his writing so. My mom hates one of her co-workers. I’m afraid to start looking for jobs and applying to seminaries. I’m excited for graduation. There’s this place my cat’s back, that if you touch it, she licks the air uncontrollably. I miss Libby and others who are spread out all over the country. I need to buy a car. I cry too much. I’m afraid to care too much for people. Mike and I beat Tony Hawk last week. I love my best friend and miss her tremendously. Is it time for the rest of my life yet? How many times did I use the word “I” in the last however many sentences? Too many times, I think. There it is again.

a letter to myself

2005-10-13T15:00:00.000-05:00

Dear Poser,
Hi.  It’s me again.  I guess we’ve never really spoken like this before, but we talk frequently.  We had a lengthy conversation as I stood in front of the mirror this morning.  You told me that my brown sweater and green shoes gave off just the right image: casual yet edgy.  I liked that.  So I decided to listen to you a little more closely.  Sometimes you play games by feeding me compliments.  And I’m not sure that I can even tell the difference between you and the other voices speaking to me.  I wonder if there are other voices.  I guess God speaks to me, but you drown Him out most days.

I kind of hate you.  I hate you because you talk so loudly that I can’t hear the truth.  I hate you because you whisper lies in my ear at night as tears fall to my pillow.  I cry myself to sleep, and as I feel the sobs slowing you tell me one more time that no one loves me, that no one will want me, and that I don’t really matter at all.  You remind me of the hurts that should be long healed: of divorce, an absent father, a depressed mother, the deaths of friends and family, and the loneliness of change.  I believe you when you tell me I am worthless.  I believe you when you draw my eyes to the expanse of my hips and remind me one more time of the long past jeers of kids in elementary school.  “You’re fat.”  “Are there any foods you don’t like to eat?”  So I wake up in the mornings, saying I’m running for God, when really I’m running to tick away the calories so I’ll never have to hear those words again.  But regardless of the weight lost, I still hear their voices.  I hear your voice.

I look around me and I see people in relationships.  This is where you attack me the most.  You point a finger to my parents’ failed marriage, and in a singsong voice, you ask me if I’m good enough to find someone who won’t leave me.  I don’t honestly believe that I am, so I continue to walk across campus with my head down, believing that I’m headed towards another failure and to a life spent alone.  Even worse, you tell me I should lower my expectations and just settle for any guy who wants me…because “I might not ever find another one who will love me.”

I hate you for a lot.  But for every bit of hate that I harbor, I know that I have to love you.  I have to love you because you are a part of me.  You are the me that others see everyday.  You are my connection to the world.  I’m not entirely thrilled about that, but I won’t lie to you or to myself.  Sometimes you quiet down…like at night when it’s quiet and my Abba’s voice doesn’t join the drone of the sounds of the day.  Sometimes you listen.  Right now, I need you to listen.

I am the beloved of Elohim.  I am a daughter of the great Father.  I am my Abba’s little girl.  I have value that stretches beyond the tattoo on my ankle and the color in my hair.  I am more than the angry words of the song lyrics I like so much.  I am stronger than the tears you bring me to on an almost daily basis.  I was created for love and for relationship.  I am good enough.  Even as I type these words, I find them hard to believe, but tonight I will believe them.  I will believe them because I desperately want you to too.  I’m so tired.  I’m so sick of trying to be what you tell me I need to be.  I am free to live through the death of Christ.  I have been set free by the amazing grace of Love Incarnate.  And even you cannot take that away.

Be satisfied.  Be silent.  Accept that you are the Beloved.  And stop posing.  It doesn’t suit either of us.

blah

2005-10-07T15:33:00.000-05:00

I don’t know why I’m in such a pissy mood, but alas I am.

Perhaps it’s the dreary weather and the course work that just keeps piling up with the passing days.  I didn’t get to run this morning either due to said weather, and alas I missed out on the daily boost of exercise-induced endorphins.

I feel older these days.  That’s kind of silly considering I’m barely over two decades old, but still.  I feel old.  I feel like I want to do old people things.  I want consistency; I want a home that I won’t leave in May.  I want a life that’s mine.  I could argue that the life I have now is mine.  I believe that it is, but in some ways I still feel ensnared by an institution.  Sadly, seeing as my vocation will lead me to church work, I will always be caught up in institutions.  And institutions are necessary…wholly necessary.  I don’t know what I think.  I think I’m just in one of those moods.

On a random note…last I checked…I’m an adult.  I could be wrong, but I think I can handle myself and that I can make decisions concerning my relationships and the nature of those relationships on my own.  Erin Bartley just came and relayed happy news of a date a long time in the making.  A couple of days ago (before the date) she said that her greatest hope was that she could just be herself.  She said she was too old and too tired to try and be anyone else.  The more I thought about that, the more I realized that the same is true for me.  I’ve been trying for years to be someone or something that would translate well for people.  I’m realizing that I’m tired.  I’m tired of apologizing for myself and I’m tired of being the ever-present social chameleon.  I’m done.  This is me.

I’m heading down to Pittsburgh in a few hours to smoke the hookah with Jamin.  I need a break and here’s hoping a little shisha and some good company will help.

the truth?

2005-10-04T07:29:00.000-05:00

I was reading parts of John Eldredge’s Wild At Heart a couple of days ago and it got me thinking.  It seems, my entire life I’ve settled.  I think about the guys I’ve been attracted to and I see a common theme.  Every single one of them used me in some fashion.  Usually it was the same fashion.  Of course, this is some degree of “using” that comes with friendship.  We learn to depend on each other take care of each other.  That’s normal.  I guess what I’m talking about is an inequality in that giving.  An inequality in the dependency develops.

In the book, John Eldredge talks about men needing to fight for the women they love, about not sitting passively, but instead going after a woman’s heart.  I thought about this and realized I’ve never known what this is like.  I’m pretty sure the point is we don’t know until we find the person we’re going to marry.  Instead of this, though, I’ve been content to settle for the false hope of being the rock for a guy who just wants stability…stability and not my heart.

I’m pretty sure I’m tired of this.  Yet somehow, I find myself consistently attracted to these sorts of guys.  I would love to break this pattern.  Basically, I’m choosing to break it.  I don’t have a choice.

So a word to the guys, if you’re reading this:

John Eldredge kind of has it right.  As much as I’d like to say that women don’t need a “strong man” to take care of them, we’d sure like to have it.  We also don’t want a hesitant guy.  If you care, let us know.  Some women (like some people, in general) won’t care for you when you reveal this information.  If she doesn’t respond kindly, then you don’t need her.  And also, don’t use me…and when I say me, I kind of mean people in general.  Don’t use us.  Relying on a girl to be a warm shoulder in a time of distress or uncertainty often stinks a lot of more serious feelings.  If you don’t have those feelings, be clear about it.  These are words coming out of a heart that’s been hurt because of this stuff.  I’ve seen the hurt in myself and in the lives of people I care about deeply.  Hurt makes us stronger, but that’s no excuse to just use other people to validate ourselves.  For me, anyway, it really has to end.

So that’s my rant for the morning.  It’d be easier if all of this were more cut and dry.  I happened to ignore the situations where people don’t realize that they’re using others.  I didn’t talk about what happens when we unknowingly abuse the trust of another.  We have to be responsible in our relationships.  We have to learn what it really means to love and care for each other.  Otherwise, what’s the point of ever trying to heal from the hurt if there’s no promise of a person who will ever really care?  I wonder everyday if that guy is out there.  And the more I see, the more I think that I should just settle.  If you know me well enough to call me out on this sort of thing, let me know when you see me settling.  I don’t want that.  I don’t want that at all.

:)

2005-10-03T19:23:00.000-05:00

I’m just really happy. And I can’t explain why.

...

2005-09-30T16:53:00.000-05:00

Abba,
Do you think I’ll ever grow up?  I mean…I know that physically there is no stopping the turning of the years, but I wonder about inside me.  Will I continue to pine after the things that have proven themselves hurtful?  Will I persist in the habits that wreck me on the inside?  For the first time in months, I feel okay.  It may be for the first time in a year.  It is.  I’ve forgotten this feeling.  I’ve forgotten what it’s like to sense you and your love, to feel that all is okay within in me.

But outside of me, I don’t know where I am most days.  I wonder why I’m in this place with these people and these things happening to me.  I wonder if the most carnal of my wants are your voice speaking into the depths of me…or if I’m just succumbing to my own will again.  I don’t understand, but I genuinely trust.  As people and things prove unworthy of my trust, I know that through every awful moment, you have been there.  I’m finally ready to get outside of myself again.  I’m ready to serve you and others without wondering if anyone notices how messed up I feel and am.  I’m not so messed up.  Well.  I am.  But it’s okay.

I guess I love you.  And I guess I’m sorry.  Neither of those things are enough.  But I praise you anyway.

good times...

2005-09-28T17:59:00.000-05:00

I don’t think happiness is as fleeting as I once thought.

Life is super good, and I have no idea why.  Well, I know why.  It’s because God is super good.

So I’ve been keeping busy.  I’m not sure that I know how to function without succumbing to a long list of activities and tasks.  Classes are good.  I love ABI…Na at his finest.  My cluster is pretty sweet.  It’s called, “America At War in the Age of Rock and Roll.”  Tell me that doesn’t sound like the coolest class ever.  We watch war movies and watch performances from artists.  It’s fun.  Greek is crazy as ever.  I’m starting to really get lost in all of it, but I’m excited about translating Bible passages.  How cool?  I could translate the Bible!

I bought a book yesterday with Craig.  We’re going to read the new Brennan Manning book based off of Abba’s Child with Zak and Mike.  I’m excited.  I also bought My Utmost for His Highest because I couldn’t believe I hadn’t gone through the devotion yet.  So I’m doing that too.

I miss Sarah Louise Hall and everyone else from camp.

I’m super busy at church, getting ready for Youth Club.  The thought of which makes me cringe because I have so much to do.  My senior recital (for clarinet) is on March 4th.  If you’re my friend, you’re invited.  Even if you aren’t my friend you can come.  It’s in Wallace Memorial Chapel at 3pm.  The amazing tuba-ist, Carriella, and I are putting on the best recital ever.

Well I’m gonna go lay down in a blanket and watch TV.  This house is ridiculously cold.  And when am I getting that check from the school so I can afford to live in this cold house?  Ahh!

i'm just fine

2005-09-25T21:11:00.000-05:00

“See what this godly sorrow has produced in you: what earnestness, what eagerness to clear yourselves, what indignation, what alarm, what longing, what concern, what readiness to see justice done. At every point you have proved yourselves to be innocent in this matter.”  2 Corinthians 7.11
"The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Psalm 34.18
"He heals up the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds." Psalm 147.3
"Let the beloved of the LORD rest secure in him, for he shields him all day long, and the one the LORD loves rests between his shoulders." Deuteronomy 33.12
"How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart?" Psalm 16.4a
That last one is my question.  I wonder why I can’t seem to be happy.  Happiness is fleeting.  I realize this, and I also realize the strength of joy.  I don’t have that joy.  I pray everyday for it, but I know that I don’t enact it.  I don’t seize it.
The days hurt.  I wonder about that too.  I wonder why I am so frequently taken by the intensity of a hurt that I can’t fathom.  My only genuine rest happens when I’m too consumed by work and busyness and people that I don’t have time to dwell on it.  I’m dwelling now.
By no means is my life miserable.  Life is good.  God is good.  But I’m stuck.  I’m stuck in some weird rut that continues to pull me down day by day.  I’m wrapped up in decisions and in the self esteem suddenly devoid in me.  I hate that I don’t love people like I should…and what’s more…I hate that I love some people more than I should.  I don’t understand that last part.  And that love lends itself to the pain.  I wonder about the relationships I’ve let fall to the wayside.  I wonder about the ones that I have and what they really mean.  I love the people in my life so much, but I do question myself so frequently.  I question my motives and my sincerity.
Life is incomplete without some degree of pain.  We all hurt.  The hurt makes the joy better.  I’m trying to see the blessing.  I’m trying to see God’s loving hands in my life.  I don’t know what’s wrong with me.  Maybe it’s just a fleeting mood.  I don’t know why I hurt.  I praise God for that pain, though.  It’s all I can do.

prone to wander...

2005-09-22T22:34:00.000-05:00

Abba,

I don’t know what freedom is but I want it.  I want it in its purest state.  But as I pray this prayer I think that maybe I don’t want that freedom.  Maybe I like being constrained by my human expectations, desires, and whims.  Still, I don’t want my well being to be tied to others anymore.  Abba, your love is ferocious and consuming, but I so frequently shake it off like a chill up the spine.

Set me free from the need to be loved.  Set me free from selfish reasons for wanting that love.  Set me free from the past.  Set us all free to love in all reality and in all truth.  I don’t know what that means.

What does it mean to be content in the moment?  Is that freedom?  Is love something free?  Am I free?  You’re free.  I hate how I always ignore you.  You always know what to do and I consistently pick my own road.  I don’t know why you bother to hang around.  Thank you for it, though.

So I guess this is a prayer for freedom.  Finally, I pray for surrender to your will alone.  What is my will but a mass of jumbled emotions and faulty reason?  Be the realest thing ever.  Forgive my bad grammar.  I just want to rest in you.

Amen.

2005-09-21T07:22:00.000-05:00

So I took this quiz before I went to Ligonier and I decided to take it again because a lot of my answers had changed. It's not really that interesting, but it was fun to take...

*TELL ME ABOUT YOURSELF - The Survey*
Name:	Nadia
Birthday:	5/10/84
Birthplace:	Greenville, NC
Current Location:	Westminster College
Eye Color:	brown
Hair Color:	red
Height:	5' 2"
Right Handed or Left Handed:	right handed
Your Heritage:	Italian and other stuff
The Shoes You Wore Today:	chacos and socks
Your Weakness:	tasty food
Your Fears:	ending up alone
Your Perfect Pizza:	as long as it has lots of cheese
Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year:	to not end up working in retail after i graduate
Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger:	haha
Thoughts First Waking Up:	it's 5:45am and I was going to run...nope...I'm not gonna
Your Best Physical Feature:	eyes? maybe?
Your Bedtime:	usually midnight
Your Most Missed Memory:	Ligonier...all of it
Pepsi or Coke:	coke
MacDonalds or Burger King:	neither?
Single or Group Dates:	depends...
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea:	Lipton
Chocolate or Vanilla:	vanilla
Cappuccino or Coffee:	coffee
Do you Smoke:	hookah
Do you Swear:	nope
Do you Sing:	yup
Do you Shower Daily:	yes
Have you Been in Love:	yup
Do you want to go to College:	i'm im college
Do you want to get Married:	definitely
Do you belive in yourself:	on good days
Do you get Motion Sickness:	from time to time
Do you think you are Attractive:	I have my moments
Are you a Health Freak:	not really...but I do like to run and eat well
Do you get along with your Parents:	yes
Do you like Thunderstorms:	very much
Do you play an Instrument:	I play lots...I'm a music major
In the past month have you Drank Alcohol:	yes
In the past month have you Smoked:	yes
In the past month have you been on Drugs:	no
In the past month have you gone on a Date:	depends on what constitutes a date I guess
In the past month have you gone to a Mall:	yup
In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos:	no
In the past month have you eaten Sushi:	no...and that makes me sad
In the past month have you been on Stage:	no
In the past month have you been Dumped:	no
In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping:	no
In the past month have you Stolen Anything:	do balloons count?
Ever been Drunk:	been a little tipsy
Ever been called a Tease:	yeah
Ever been Beaten up:	no
Ever Shoplifted:	no
How do you want to Die:	satisfied
What do you want to be when you Grow Up:	awesome
What country would you most like to Visit:	Italy
*In a Boy/Girl..*
Favourite Eye Color:	green
Favourite Hair Color:	brown
Short or Long Hair:	long hair
Height:	taller than me
Weight:	not a huge deal...I'm attracted to skinny guys
Best Clothing Style:	doesn't really matter
Number of Drugs I have taken:	none
Number of CDs I own:	a whole lot...a whooooole lot
Number of Piercings:	three
Number of Tattoos:	1
Number of things in my Past I Regret:	2
CREATE YOUR OWN! - or - GET PAID TO TAKE SURVEYS!

2005-09-20T15:11:00.000-05:00

I'm posting this picture because I'm feeling nostalgic. And I miss my Sarah Louise and my Jenni Ryan. Also, I've just figured out to post pictures to this thing. So I'm kind of excited.

Ahhh...the hookah...

Here are the three of us at H'Kan on the South Side in Pittsburgh. Over the summer we all sort of developed a taste for the hookah...

A eulogy...

2005-09-19T22:27:00.000-05:00

So I know this is kind of freaky, but a friend asked me to write his eulogy.  So here it is.  I apologize if the concept is slightly macabre…

There’s a moment.  And then it’s gone.  Some people seem to know how to flit from moment to moment, leaving their baggage in the one before and still looking forward to life in the next.  I don’t know how to live this way.  I think Mike did.  I always envied him for that.  I hated how he could accept loss/change/hurt/success/whatever and just move on.

I don’t think people, on a whole, are good at living.  The predetermined course for a human life looks the same for most.  There’s school, graduation, girlfriends and boyfriends, marriage, kids, a job, retirement.  We work hard to become “something,” to find that “someone,” and to make that certain dollar figure.  Most people would be lying if they said they didn’t care about these things.  We care.  It’s pretty much all we know.

So what’s the point?  Why do we bother every day?  I think I know how Mike would respond to this question.  He would say we should live for this very moment.  Not the ones that have passed and not so much for the ones to come, but for right now, right here.

One time, Mike and I decided to go for a walk to the outdoor laboratory at our school.  At first, we called it a walk, but as we navigated through mud and found our way over the path, he decided he wanted an “adventure.”  I think about this little adventure a lot because I think it has a lot to say about life.  It’s the classic story of getting lost in the woods.  Only we weren’t lost in the woods…we were trapped by an eternal marsh, the only way around involving some jogging and navigating over wet ground.  He was late to a concert and I barely made it to a meeting.  In all of the time we were pushing through the briar bushes, and as I looked up at the sun beginning to set overhead, there wasn’t a moment where I felt fear.  I never felt as if I were in danger.  Mike had a way of domesticating the ridiculous.  As I look back, I realize that there wasn’t a moment in the time that I spent beside him where I felt fear.  I think it’s because he never acknowledged fear.  I don’t think he knew how.  I want to be more like him.

I think Mike understood God better than most of us.  He never would have admitted to that, but I believe it’s true.  He worshipped a God of grace and of power, a God who loves the unloveable and pursues the unpursued.  In Jesus, Mike saw a man-god who calls us to a radical way of life.  I haven’t met many people who take that call seriously.  Mike did.  His life was a testament to what it means to live radically in the moment for God.  His heart for people, although not readily seen in his words, shined in his actions.

I’ve never known a friend like Mike.  In the time I knew him I learned more about myself and about life and what it means to live than in the 20 years preceding our meeting.  When I first met him, I didn’t think we would be friends.  He was so different from anyone I’d ever met.  I didn’t think I was radical enough or brave enough.  He had his punk bands plastered all over a jacket and the first time we spent time together he told me about how he was so very anti-nationalism.  I was a random girl wearing Gap clothes and in need of donuts.  But for some reason, he pursued me.  I don’t mean in the classic way of being romantically “pursued” (even though there was a time for that too), but that he would never let me hide.  At least, not when it mattered.  Mike knew how to care for people.  He would probably say that he didn’t do that enough, but for those who knew him best, they know that he really did take care of people.  He always took care of me.  Even when I didn’t deserve it.  I am forever indebted to him for that love.  When I didn’t think I was worth it, that our friendship was worth it, he was willing to fight.  I wish there hadn’t been so many of those moments.

At the forefront of my thoughts right now is the realization that Mike won’t be there.  He was always there.  With him, went so much love and excitement and courage.  But I still carry those things in me.  I could say something cliché like, “the world is forever better because of Mike’s life,” or “he’s in a better place now.”  We could sing “On Eagles Wings” and recite the 23rd Psalm.  But I don’t think he’d want all of that.  Maybe he would.  I don’t know.  I think he’d rather us listen to a song.  He would want us to talk about what it means to hotly pursue a God who loves with reckless abandon.  I think he would want us to jump out of an airplane or take a long bike ride.  He would want us to embrace all that is fallible and awful about ourselves and not run from it.  He would want us to live a little better in this moment.

2005-09-19T13:53:00.000-05:00

There's got to be an end to this, you know? There has to be a place where I stop letting people use me. And I know it's my own fault. I know that I put myself in positions where it's easy to just use and pull and exhaust all remnants of a healthy relationship. I think I have to be done with that now. I really have to be done with that.

doo doo

2005-09-18T18:56:00.000-05:00

I'm so caught up in myself. Everytime I sit down to update this silly journal I feel nauseous. I guess I could just post the things going on in my life, but I don't really feel like it.

Things are okay. I manage to keep myself busy with schoolwork, band, and spending time with friends. The weeks go by way too fast and I try really hard to ignore the fact that my last year of somewhat certainty is flying by. I don't want to miss it.

I know that God is present in all that I do, but I've been having trouble seeing him recently. I wonder where He is and then I realize that He's peeking over my shoulder as I read or He's following me to class. He sees when I stumble over cracks in the sidewalk, and he spurs me on that last half a mile when I just want to stop running some mornings. He whispers quiet promises into my head as I wrestle with my own desires and frustrations. He sees me hurting and he sees the ways that I've been messing up. He knows that I want to do better and He loves me when I come up short every single time. The thing is...I'll never get it right. I'll work my entire life, but it will never be right. Somehow, I feel freer in this knowledge...knowing that my Abba will love me even though He knows that I will never be able to love Him with all that I have.

As always, I wish I could just be content in this second. I wish I could find more joy in every moment. I wish I could love better. I wish I could serve better. I wish I could get outside of myself long enough to see how God wants to use me.

Abba,
Set me free. Love me anyway.

2005-09-12T21:33:00.000-05:00

I just had a glass of wine and now my head feels free and the aches I obtained through a day of rock climbing and rapelling are little more than a minor nuisance. I could spend a lot of time highlighting the events of the last week or so. I could talk about the fun spent smoking shisha and dancing on a boat, or I could talk about the headache that my schoolwork seems to bring on just thinking about what I have to do. I don't know what to talk about. I thought it seemed like a good time to update.

I feel like a broken record. When I go to type in this little box I find myself wanting to lament the same old issues. Yes, I'm single. No, I don't have to be (and that's scary). No, I don't know what I want to do with my life, but yes, I'm ready to be done with school. There's just a whole lot scariness and I'm not sure how to deal with it. My sister says I'm different than I was. I believe that, but I'm not sure what that really means. I'm not entirely sure who I was before I went into this past summer. I don't think I was much of anything. I think I was someone who had gotten lost in another person and was looking for something tangible to hold on to. I found something tangible and it changed me. I fought through a lot and I came at the other side a little rough around the edges.

I worry about the ways in which I've changed. I wonder if it was for the better. I no longer question my worth. I know that I am of amazing value to the God of the universe. I know that I am loved by friends who have seen me through amazing awfulness and still want to call me friend. I know that there is so much good to come. I pray that I can focus on that good instead of getting lost in...well...the loss that seems to come with living.

2005-09-03T22:35:00.000-05:00

I found this. I wrote it last year sometime. It made me think so I'm posting it here.

Abba Father,

I’m in search of words but all language fails me. I don’t understand and as I look down I fear out of folly and ignorance. Teetering I long to jump off of this ridiculous rope and into arms that will catch me and most certainly never let my feet touch the ubiquitous bottom of the human experience. But a part of me longs – maybe even asks – to be released from the security of your embrace. I want to live so freely that my lungs burn with cold and the sudden warmth of experience. I want human lips pressed to mine in exchange for the whisper of your breath fanning every beat of my heart. I want my feet to push through the pit of mortal desire until I am covered in all that is real and alive and teeming in the now and then.

Such folly, Lord, and yet I don’t know how to not want everything that will never satisfy me!

All I can ask is that you stay with me. All I can hope is that your grace extends into my foolishness. All I love is yours and not yours, but it is mine in some distorted part of me. Take what is mine, but please don’t let me know that it is gone. I ask for the paradox of wonder and the bliss of unseeing. I ask for the faith of innocence and the ravishings of the overdrawn. Satiate me and fill me until I cry out that I can handle no more. Continue to pour into me until there is nothing left of me and I am but a shell of all that I ever was.

And when I pray that I can no longer be myself, forgive me for wanting to hold onto every part of me that is fallible, sinful, and dirty with the ugliness of humanity. Bless my filth and cleanse me again as I jump headfirst into the pit.

I am an angel wallowing in mud.

I am perfection marred by sin.

I am agape confused by eros.

I am the image of you distorted in a funhouse mirror.

Shake me, awe me, take every bit of me and make it holy. Someday I promise to look up and realize that all I ever needed is in you. Until that day, take this child upon your knee and teach her to sing of creation and free will and the plans you laid before time.

Amen.

surely you jest?

2005-09-01T11:48:00.000-05:00

So it's the third day of class here at the fine institution of higher learning called Westminster College. So far I have learned about rock and roll and the difference between dogmatic and bibilical theology. Not bad so far. Life in the big yellow house has been fun...it's nice actually having roommates. I have to say that grocery shopping is not my favorite, but in order to eat I'll suffer through.

Nutmeg and I kidnapped Gino on Sunday night and he hung out with us all day Monday. It was super fun. We nested, ate fun food, dyed our hair red, and participated in other entertaining activities. It was weird hanging out in a setting other than camp...weird but good. It made me think of how much I miss everyone from camp. It feels like it's been so long...I guess it has been in some respects.

I had a realization recently. I'm not quite sure what's going on in my world right now. I know that I'm different than I was, but I don't know what that means. I'm content, but I'm a little restless. I don't know. I'm confused.

Well, a roommate just came home so I'm going to hang out and then practice the clarinet.

forgiveness

2005-08-26T14:40:00.000-05:00

I realized something about myself recently. I suppose it's something I knew all along, but ignored not so much out of apathy than ignorance. I do not forgive easily.

I learned an amazing lesson over the course of the summer that has only recently manifested itself to me. In my time spent at Kennywood yesterday, I had the incredible opportunity to share in dual reflection over the events of the past year. I can't say I ever imagined that such soul searching would occur at a Pittsburgh amusement park, but that was the situation.

In other posts, I've alluded to what happened between Mike and myself. The summer didn't really add any positive to that story, but somehow God works out everything for the good of those who love Him. In the paraphrased words of Brennan Manning, "Miracle of miracles, forgiveness can come." What I've learned has something to do with Mike and that specific situation, but it has much more to do with me learning more about who God is and what it really means to give and receive love.

Yesterday, Mike and I sat on a bench by The Whip and talked about a lot. We talked about the awfulness of realizing that we couldn't be friends over the summer and the pain of owning up to the ways in which we wronged each other. In that vulnerability I realized that in all of the hurt that I harbored, it was my choice to hold on to it. In that time, I was able to see the beauty of a changed heart and the relief in a familiar smile. I was sitting next to one of the greatest friends I had ever known.

Somehow I am able to see the necessity in the pain. I'm able to see why I needed to go through so much in order to end up here. God is in the business of renewal. I needed to change and I needed to learn some things. I needed to forgive this person that I had cared so deeply for and accept the love and friendship being offered in the present instead of dwelling in the pain of the past. I needed to learn to let go.

There is an incredible agony in the severing and rebuilding of trust. With that agony comes anger and the tentative stirrings of a heart emerging from a winter of bitter hate. When all is said and done, the strength of trust rebuilt is tenfold that with which you began. In the same way that we sin and fall away and then return again to the Abba, when we sin against each other we have the same choice of repentence. We have the same choice as to whether we will learn and grow from the mistakes and from the fumbling and ever-fallible essence of our sin nature.

I am greatful for the pain of a broken relationship. I am grateful for my own brokeness. The aftermath has been awful in ways I never knew possible, but the beauty of friendship renewed is worth it all. If you read this...many thanks, Mike.

so about this adult thing...

2005-08-24T23:04:00.000-05:00

I'm living in this huge house with tall windows and floors that slant. My computer chair rolls backwards and I can feel the muscles in my calves as I walk over bowed wood floors. That's what it feels like to be an adult. I walk through this big house without curtains and I look around and wonder if it's possible that I'm responsible for it. I open the refrigerator and there's some green tea and cottage cheese. My stomach growls and I am suddenly very aware of the fact that I am hungry and I have no food. The cable and internet bill will come soon and I will wonder if it really is me who has to pay it. I guess that's what it feels like to be an adult.

I don't think I'm ready for this whole adult thing. I like to hang out with people younger than me because it makes me think that I'm not really reaching the point where I truly will be responsible for myself. As if I'm not right now. I think about the people that mean the most to me and wonder if I'll keep in touch with them in a year's time. For the most part I won't. That makes me sad.

I also wonder what's coming. I can rest secure in the fact that I will have to pay rent every month, but I cannot rest as secure in the fear of ending up spending the rest of my life alone. And I don't really mean "alone" alone. You catch my drift. I don't find it particularly easy to trust the Abba in these matters. I wish I could, but I can't. I tend to look around at what others have and wish those things for myself...even though most of the time I know that what they have isn't what will make me happy in the end.

And I guess that's what it's like to be an adult.

2005-08-14T22:53:00.000-05:00

I don't even know where to start. How do I even begin to describe the summer I just had? How do I begin to explain the ways I saw God work in my life and in the lives of the campers and staff of Ligonier Camp and Conference Center?

There isn't time for me to tell you every little thing that I did and saw. That would take me a year. I can say that I am not the girl that I was two and a half months ago. I don't know the person I used to be and I'm both excited and scared about that.

I got a tattoo. It's Hebrew for the word "faithfulness." That one word sums up my entire summer. Little did I know when I walked into the tattoo parlor that I would leave with a permanent reminder of God's faithfulness.

I was the counselor for 5 different girl's tribes as well as serving as a rover for one week. I got to know 44 different girls. All of them amazing and special. God stretched me this summer. Never have I been more tired and never have I felt so emotionally and mentally drained. I spent 24 hours a day with these girls, getting paid less than a dollar a day and I would give anything to go back and do the summer again and again.

My heart is a little broken right now. I just left the greatest community I have ever known. I left my family. I'm not sure if I've ever known friendship like some of those I formed this summer. I was dealing with so much crap before I left and these people came around me and loved me. I wouldn't have made it through the summer without the nests, ice cream cones with sprinkles, sheetz runs, late night talks, hugs, laughter, and other assorted craziness. I don't know where I would be now without the people who were willing to listen to me whine about things I should have just let go of, or the people who were willing to pour into me and just share their lives and love. The following is merely an Ebenezer, a means of remembering those who touched my life this summer.

I'll never forget the night Jill and I sat on the swings at the Adams' and talked about social justice and life and boys and faith. She never had to care about the things going on in my life, but she was there. I also think about the first time Sarah Hall and I went to H'Kan and how I realized that I had an incredible friend in her. She's one of the strongest people I have ever known. I love thinking about the day Chris and I went to see Land of the Dead and how we went to Chick-Fil-A and talked about the hurt involved in getting over relationships and how I knew I was sitting across the table from a man who would play an amazing role in the course of my summer. I had no idea. And then there's Amanda. Good Lord...where to begin? God knew what he was doing in bringing us together as friends. I wonder if I would have made it through the summer without her. I don't think so. She was there through it all...one of the best friends I have ever known. There are no words to describe the love I have for her. My little Nutmeg. And there's Mark...who despire my consistent poopiness, was always willing to listen, and was always there to make me laugh. There's Anna, Polly, Jim, Allan, Carol, Ian, Matt, Ashleigh, Becca, T, EJ, Sim, Jamin', Laura, Ruth, Jenni, Rachel, Anna G, Carly, and so many more. There's something to say for everyone and I wish I could do that right now. All I know is that I didn't deserve the love and support of these people, but that God used each and everyone of them to change my life this summer.

I went whitewater rafting, caving, and dangled 75 feet up in the air. I watched as campers surrendered their lives to Christ. I spent 10 weeks living on the side of the most incredible mountain, looking out on God's creation and realizing for the first time in a while that life isn't all about me. I return from my summer a little tired and a little worn, but confident in the fact that my identity can no longer rest in relationships or people.

I'm getting tired and I need to sleep. I'll continue tomorrow...hopefully feeling a little more coherent.

Until then...I miss you, Ligonier.

Last post...

2005-06-05T22:22:00.000-05:00

This will be my last post for the next two months. Much thanks to a run I took early this evening, I'm feeling rather sleepy. That means I'll actually sleep tonight. I'm glad for that. When I get anxious I have a hard time sleeping. Let's hope that tonight I'll be able to rest peacefully.

So for two months I will be without TV, a computer, and virtually without a cell phone (since I have to keep it locked up in an office during the week). I think that it's going to be good for me to break the computer addiction.

I'm trying to "let the excitement win" right now, but I'm struggling. I trust that God has placed me here for a reason, but I'm still feeling nervous. I guess a lot of that has to do with the fact that I have no idea what's coming for me in the next couple of months. I hope (and deep down I know) that it will be good. :)

I don't what else to say...besides goodbye, God bless, and I'll be back August 14th! And I don't mind getting mail! So send it! :)

beautiful dancing infidel

2005-06-05T09:59:00.000-05:00

ENFP - The Champion
You scored 54% I to E, 31% N to S, 38% F to T, and 73% J to P!

Your type is known as the Champion type, which is part of the larger group called idealists. Nothing occurs that does not have some deep and ethical significance in your eyes. You see life as an exciting drama. You are very charismatic, yet tend to be too harsh on yourself for not being as genuine as you think you should be. 3% of the population shares your type.
As a romantic partner, you need to talk about what is going on in your life. You are a strong supporter for your partner's efforts to grow and change and be happy. You need to feel that same support from your partner. Expressive, optimistic, and curious, you are eager to enjoy new experiences with your partner, whom you wish to be your confidant and soul mate, as well as play mate. You are uncomfortable sharing negative emotion, though, and tend to withdraw from confrontation and process your feelings privately. You feel most loved when your partner appreciates your creativity, accepts your uniqueness, and sees you as the compassionate person you are. You need to hear your partner tell you how much you mean to them and would love if they did thoughtful spontaneous things to demonstrate it.
Your group summary: idealists (NF)
Your type summary: ENFP

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

You scored higher than 66% on I to E

You scored higher than 31% on N to S

You scored higher than 36% on F to T

You scored higher than 82% on J to P

Link: The LONG Scientific Personality Test written by unpretentious2 on Ok Cupid

Ok...so that test was ridiculously accurate. Wow.

Only because I promised...

2005-06-02T22:07:00.000-05:00

I post only because I rather subtley *cough* alluded to the fact that I would make a real post later on today. Well. It is later on. And I am posting.

I think that I have been sticking to the random surveys and quizzes for the last few days simply because I'm not sure what's going on with me right now. I could sit down and type out a list of activities in which I have been recently engaged, but that's not particularly interesting unless it involves a random attack by a typically benevolent creature (i.e. a sloth or an earthworm). I have not been recently attacked by a benevolent creature...unless you can classify oneself as a worthy enemy.

If I have an archnemesis right now it is probably myself. I have this little problem and it's called, "I think too damn much." Yes. I swore. I'm sorry, but my archnemesis made me do it.

...

So I find myself perched on a seemingly innocent precipice. At the bottom of this expansive ravine lies a place called Ligonier and on the way down are myriad hopes and fears jutting out like rigid hands that won't catch me.

(That kind of reminds me of the story of the man being chased by a tiger and he jumps off of a cliff only to find himself hanging onto a branch. On the branch there's a strawberry. The man eats the strawberry saying, "This is the most delicious strawberry I've ever had" and for a moment he is able to live in the moment, forgetting the tiger at the top and the long fall to the bottom of the cliff.)

I'm sure there will be plenty of strawberries on my way down. But the more I think about this, I think I'm mixing metaphors...and that's just not good for anyone.

To put it in rather plain terms...I'm nervous about leaving for camp on Monday. I have these stupidly adolescent fears of fitting in and being "cool." I always have these fears, despite knowing that I'm a generally easy-going, fun person to be around. All I know is that I suddenly feel pressured to be ultra-cool. I never have been classically cool. I've tried, and some would tell me that I've succeeded, but really I'm not cool. I'm kind of goofy and occasionally awkward. Oh well. Here's hoping that a few years of college have made me slightly more confident.

Today Renee made a comment about camp being a "Christian meat market." She was referring to the Christian males who will be there in abundance. I had to laugh, but then I got to thinking and thinking is never good for me, especially when it pertains to the opposite sex. I'm going to stop thinking about that now.

Where was I? Who knows. I just know that I'll be challenged in the next couple of weeks and months. I know that my focus needs to remain with the kids I'll be serving. My focus needs to be on God. That sounds kind of cliche. Everything sounds cliche to me these days. But as soon as I let God out of my "I'm working at a Christian summer camp purposed to glorify God" crosshairs I'm going to be in big trouble. I pray for focus.

Well, I'm getting tired and I'm still thinking of the veritable meat market of Renee's dreams awaiting me in only three days (yikes!). I think it's bedtime.

I swear I'm going to write a real post later today...

2005-06-02T09:30:00.000-05:00

A Liberal Christian
You scored 30 out of 45 on orthodoxy!

You are theologically orthodox but more socially liberal, at least in the ways that you imagine Jesus would have been. You believe in spreading the gospel but not in bashing other people to do it. Your beliefs are serious to you, but you probably have a pretty good sense of humor about them too. The Episcopal Church welcomes you! Jesus loves you! (But, you know, not in that way)

My test tracked 1 variable How you compared to other people your age and gender:

You scored higher than 72% on orthodoxy

Link: The What Kind of Christian are You Test written by agape29 on Ok Cupid

another one of these things...

2005-06-01T12:32:00.000-05:00

*TELL ME ABOUT YOURSELF - The Survey*
Name:	Nadia
Birthday:	May 10, 1984
Birthplace:	Greenville, NC
Current Location:	Grove City, PA for the next four days then Ligonier, PA
Eye Color:	brown-ish
Hair Color:	brown
Height:	5'2" and a half (and I thought I was 5'5"!)
Right Handed or Left Handed:	right handed for everything except dealing cards
Your Heritage:	half Italian and the other half a mixture of stuff
The Shoes You Wore Today:	Nike running shoes
Your Weakness:	fried food and gangly, artistic boys with mussable hair
Your Fears:	ending up alone and failure
Your Perfect Pizza:	Chicago deep dish with lots of cheese
Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year:	to get into Princeton Theological seminary, whereby I will not accept said acceptance and go to Pittsburgh Theological Seminary
Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger:	haha
Thoughts First Waking Up:	Do I really want to go running this morning?
Your Best Physical Feature:	I have the sexiest big toe you will ever see
Your Bedtime:	usually around midnight
Your Most Missed Memory:	there are too many...but I do miss the random times spent with friends in high school
Pepsi or Coke:	coke...specifially vanilla
MacDonalds or Burger King:	do I have to pick? McDonalds I guess...
Single or Group Dates:	single
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea:	I love tea and drink it in all of it's forms
Chocolate or Vanilla:	Chocolate
Cappuccino or Coffee:	Coffee
Do you Smoke:	never
Do you Swear:	only if I accidentally repeat something that someone says
Do you Sing:	Yup...used to get paid to do it too...that and sell fudge, but whatever
Do you Shower Daily:	I do indeed
Have you Been in Love:	I'd love to say no, but I think the answer is yes
Do you want to go to College:	I'm in college...so yeah
Do you want to get Married:	definitely
Do you belive in yourself:	depends on the day
Do you get Motion Sickness:	no...except for when I ride the tilt-a-whirl
Do you think you are Attractive:	I have my moments
Are you a Health Freak:	not really...I run and try to eat healthy, but I have a weakness for good food
Do you get along with your Parents:	I do
Do you like Thunderstorms:	as long as they don't turn into hurricanes I'm all good
Do you play an Instrument:	clarinet, guitar, piano, trombone, and soon...the bass drum :-P
In the past month have you Drank Alcohol:	yes...mmm margaritas!
In the past month have you Smoked:	noooo...there are smarter ways to die
In the past month have you been on Drugs:	that would be a negatory
In the past month have you gone on a Date:	no
In the past month have you gone to a Mall:	yes
In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos:	eww no
In the past month have you eaten Sushi:	yessiree...I love sushi
In the past month have you been on Stage:	no
In the past month have you been Dumped:	exactly one month ago today...what fortunate timing
In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping:	no
In the past month have you Stolen Anything:	no
Ever been Drunk:	no
Ever been called a Tease:	yes
Ever been Beaten up:	I got chewed on by a goose once
Ever Shoplifted:	no
How do you want to Die:	peacefully in my sleep
What do you want to be when you Grow Up:	awesome
What country would you most like to Visit:	Italy
*In a Boy/Girl..*
Favourite Eye Color:	green
Favourite Hair Color:	brown
Short or Long Hair:	mussable
Height:	taller than me
Weight:	I like em skinny
Best Clothing Style:	doesn't matter
Number of Drugs I have taken:	zero
Number of CDs I own:	around 110
Number of Piercings:	three
Number of Tattoos:	none...but I want one
Number of things in my Past I Regret:	I used to think there were some things, but I honestly don't think there's anything. Life matters...all of it.
CREATE YOUR OWN! - or - GET PAID TO TAKE SURVEYS!

what famous leader am i?

2005-05-30T12:55:00.000-05:00

What Famous Leader Are You?
personality tests by similarminds.com

Well that's just plain silly. :-P I'm forming an addiction to these things. Good thing I'm only gonna be around a computer for another week.

beautiful dancing infidel...

2005-05-30T12:38:00.000-05:00

I'm reading the book of Hosea in my quiet times and I've been thinking about it a lot. God tells Hosea to marry a prostitute as a symbol of the Israel's unfaithfulness to God.

Donald Miller talks a lot about how Jesus isn't a list of checkpoints; he's a person and we have relationships with people, not with lists. If God is a person, and I have whored myself out to other gods, that makes me no better than Hosea's prostitute bride.

Because song lyrics speak better than I do most of the time...here's Over the Rhine...

You were the hand I tried to take
You're the decision that I could not make
You're the religion that I should forsake

You were the story I tried to tell
You were the savior that tripped and fell
Beautiful dancing infidel

Who will guard the door
When I am sleeping
Who will guard the door
When I am sleeping
I'm not sleeping

You were the season that would not change
I often was the same
Then four horsemen came and stole my name

I never saw you fall apart
I never say you work so hard
Never say you need no one
I am my father's son

I wish so much that I could just surrender everything. I wish that I could have just a moment of clarity in the midst of all of the things pulling at me. I don't know what to think most of the time, but as I say to myself that I don't know what to think, I think very specific things. Perchance, I feel specific things. I know what I feel, but I don't know what I think. That's probably a better summarization.

I know that right now I have to patient. I know that I have to trust that I'm in the right place and that God knows what he's doing. It's like I'm trying to tell my own story right now. In The Sacred Romance, John Eldredge and Brent Curtis talk about embracing the larger story that God has written for us instead of trying to pound out the words to our own. What God has planned is so much greater than anything I could imagine for myself. But what happens when you grow impatient waiting for the fullness of God's story? I've been writing my own, and in my conceit I've set it above the greater story.

I can't say that I know what I'm doing, because I don't know. I'm confused and scared and wondering whether or not I really believe that what God has for me is better than the things I could pursue for myself.

I recognize that the things that I have pursued in the last year have been off kilter. Success and companionship will never satisfy me apart from my Savior. The world tries to tell us that these two things are all we really need, but as soon as I had a glimpse of both of them, they left an emptiness that I could barely begin to fathom. I hated myself apart from God. I hated the way that I treated people and the way that I felt so dependent on things that were passing away before my eyes. Seeing that about myself now, I can move on. I can move on in my relationships with God and others knowing all of these things.

I so much want things to be cut and dry. I wish that people could be cut and dry. I wish that I could understand why I feel myself falling once again into the feelings and attitudes of last year. Is this what you want, Father? Do I trust myself enough to give any more?

Enough whining for now...time to be productive...despite the fact that I'd really rather just spend some time in a hammock with a book.

2005-05-29T13:02:00.000-05:00

Listen
with the night falling we are saying thank you
we are stopping on the bridge to bow from the railings
we are running out of the glass rooms
with our mouths full of food to look at the sky and say thank you
we are standing by the water looking out
in different directions

back from a series of hospitals back from a mugging
after funerals we are saying thank you
after the news of the dead
whether or not we knew them we are saying thank you
in a culture up to its chin in shame
living in the stench it has chosen we are saying thank you

over telephones we are saying thank you
in doorways and in the backs of cars and in elevators
remembering wars and the police at the back door
and the beatings on the stairs we are saying thank you
in the banks that use us we are saying thank you
with the crooks in the office with the rich and fashionable
unchanged we go on saying thank you thank you

with the animals dying around us
our lost feelings we are saying thank you
with the forests falling faster than the minutes
of our lives we are saying thank you
with the words going out like cells of a brain
with the cities growing over us like the earth
we are saying thank you faster and faster
with nobody listening we are saying thank you
we are saying thank you and waving
dark though it is

w.s. merwin

my personality is...

2005-05-29T12:34:00.000-05:00

Your #1 Match: INFP

The Idealist
You are creative with a great imagination, living in your own inner world.Open minded and accepting, you strive for harmony in your important relationships.It takes a long time for people to get to know you. You are hesitant to let people get close.But once you care for someone, you do everything you can to help them grow and develop.
You would make an excellent writer, psychologist, or artist.

Your #2 Match: INTP

The Thinker
You are analytical and logical - and on a quest to learn everything you can.Smart and complex, you always love a new intellectual challenge.Your biggest pet peeve is people who slow you down with trivial chit chat.A quiet maverick, you tend to ignore rules and authority whenever you feel like it.
You would make an excellent mathematician, programmer, or professor.

What's" Your Personality Type?

Yeah. That's about right.

Woooooo.

2005-05-27T08:44:00.000-05:00

Ahhh the weekend. Well, almost. I'm excited, though, because I'm going down to stay with Renee for a couple of days! Yay!

Yesterday, I drove to Erie and picked up Allison from the airport. And today I have to head over to NWPC to meet with Ronee for a little bit. I've been running for the past week, and today I decided not to run because it makes me so tired and I'll be driving later.

I don't really have anything exciting to report. Jenny and Jason aren't moving to NYC! I guess that's kind of exciting. Means I'll actually get to see Jen again. The peeling on my back has subsided and moved to my upper arms. It's lovely.

I'm even more excited about camp. Only about a week or so before I leave. I haven't really done any packing, so I guess I really do need to think about doing that soon. I'm also a little nervous. Oh well...I'll deal with it.

Okay...I need to shower and head up to New Wilmington!

Music:

Over the Rhine Drunkard's Prayer

I'd heard a lot about this wife and husband pair, but hadn't listened to any of their music until I heard the song Born on a Paste sampler CD. I bought their newest CD yesterday and am in complete awe. Karin's voice is a combination of Norah Jones and Sarah McLachlan, beautiful in range and nuance. Songs range from drunken prayers to cries out against a relationship seeming to slip away with each passing day. The CD is intensely personal and intensely touching. Honestly, there are few words to describe the sheer beauty of this music.

Check it out.

Movie...

2005-05-25T16:12:00.000-05:00

I got too caught up in being sappy and forgot this...

Lost in Translation

I just saw this movie last night and I LOVED it. The cinematography is incredible and so is the acting. Scarlett Johanssen and Bill Murray are fantastic. Watch it if you haven't yet. I think you'll like it.

First Love...

2005-05-25T10:48:00.000-05:00

I had to get a tetanus booster this morning. I'm anticipating the pain that shall ensue in my left arm. As for other news about my relatively unexciting life, all I've been up to is preparation for Ligonier. I've been buying stuff and trying to put things all in one place so that I'll be ready to pack soon-ish. I still have stuff to finish at church, which I'm going to take care of this afternoon. And wow is my back itchy...

Caedmon's Call has this song called "Petrified Heart." Here are the lyrics:

This old heart's been left
Out on my sleeve
And I have paid as it's been rent
Into pieces

Seems everyone I've loved has
Taken a bit of my insides
I'm scattered as the woman whose body
Was torn for the twelve tribes

Chorus
When did my heart get so petrified
When did it get so hard to feel
When did my heart get so afraid to love
When did it get so hard

And the easy-living Gnostic proud
Use their knowledge
Like a wreaking ball to tear me down
Flooding me with their fallacies
I can't walk on this water
I'm starting to drown

Chorus

Strike this rock with your rod
I'll take the blows
Till your living water begins to flow
As it flowed from the Man of Sorrows' side
On that day when his body
Was torn for the twelve tribes
Torn for the twelve tribes

Chorus

For a while there, I didn't want to admit that the lyrics to this song could be true. I didn't want to think about the fact that with every person I grow to love, I give a little bit of myself away. In what happened with Mike, I know that I lost a piece of myself. I've been angry for three weeks now over it. When I think of the reasons why I feel angry, I like to blame Mike for a lot of it. I do harbor a lot of ill feelings, despite remaining his friend. And over the last few weeks, these feelings of shame and remorse have begun to turn into anger and bitterness. I thought I had forgiven him, but I haven't.

In spending time in prayer and the Bible (something I haven't done in too long, I'm afraid) my heart has been breaking. I've gotten so comfortable in holding on to hate that the idea of actually forgiving him and forgiving myself has been one too scary to actualize. I want to do it now. I need forgiveness for a lot of things (that I don't need to specify here), and I will ask for it.

As a side note...and because I like it...I entitled the post "First Love" because of this. Jenny gave it to me a few years ago and I still like to go back to it now and then. The author is unknown.

Everyone longs to give themselves completely to someone-- to have a deep soul relationship with another-- to be loved thoroughly and exclusively. But God, to a Christian says, "No, not until you are satisfied, fulfilled, and content with being loved by me alone. with giving up yourself totally and unreservedly to Me, to having an intensely personal and unique relationship that I have planned for you. You will never be united with another until you are united with me exclusive of anyone or anything else, exclusive of any desires or longings, I want you to stop planning, stop wishing, and allow me to bring it to you. You just keep watching Me, expecting the greatest things-- keep experiencing the satisfaction that I AM. You just wait, that's all.Don't be anxious. Don't worry. Don't look around at the things others have gotten or I have given them. Don't look at the things you want. You just keep looking off and up at Me, or you'll miss what I want to show you. And then, when you're ready, I'll surprise you with a love far more wonderful than you would dream of. You see, until you are ready (I am working even this moment to have both of you ready at the same time) -- until you are both satisfied exclusively with me and the life I prepared for you, you won't be able to experience the love that exemplifies your relationship with me, and thus the perfect love.And dear one, I want you to have this most wonderful love, I want you to see in the flesh a picture of your relationship with Me and enjoy materially and concretely the everlasting union of beauty, perfection, and love that I offer you with Myself. Know that I love you utterly. Believe it and be satisfied.

Matthew 6:33

Philippians 4:11

agape

2005-05-24T11:12:00.000-05:00

Jesus isn't a list of ideas or a theology; he's a person. His agenda has nothing to do with gay marriage or abortion. To say he has an agenda at all would probably be false. Jesus preached love, repentance, and the kingdom of heaven. He never said that conservative evangelical fundamentalist position would be the right one. He never said the liberal position would be either. He says to love your neighbor and help the poor, the widowed, and the orphaned. He doesn't say to lobby your state representative against gay marriage or to kick a lesbian out of your congregation because she is a "stumbling block" to the church. Jesus dined and (yes) partied with sinners, the exiled, the unreached, the unclean, and the impure.

What it comes down to is one word: agape. The Bible may not say that "Jesus loves me," but it does say that he said for us to love others, to not judge others, and to forgive others.

I wish I could do all of these things, but I get so stuck in the ways that I've been wronged in the past. I don't want to forgive the people who have hurt me. I don't want to show them love. I pray that I can learn that forgiveness is necessary...and possible...even for me.

Music:

A Ghost is Born by Wilco

Check out the song "Thelogians." Well, the whole CD is incredible. Just listen. :)

Home again.

2005-05-23T10:01:00.000-05:00

I kind of want to go back to sleep, but it's 10:30 and that would be silly at this point. I also need to call Ronee and start thinking about putting a bunch of stuff into a trunk. I need to call Renee and tell her I'll go camping with her and her brother and her brother's friend. Yay camping!

I read some stuff yesterday in Searching For God Knows What that got me thinking. I'd like to write a big post on it, but I don't have the energy or will right now.

My back is peeling and it's grossing me out. It also itches. Good times there.

I'd also like to speak obtusely about a very random situation that has just made itself apparent to me, but I'm not going to except to say that I'm not sure what I want and that I can't wait until camp where I'll be able to meet new people.

Oh let me take a minute to express my extreme excitement over the start of camp. I think I may pee my pants in sheer joy. There's also some nervousness there, but mostly I'm excited to do something that matters instead of sitting around and getting lost in my non-stop introspectiveness.

I'm hungry.

Magazine:

Paste Magazine.

If you like independent music, you'll like this magazine. Heck. If you like well written articles about the arts, you'll like this magazine. It comes with a sampler CD and DVD. Billy Corgan on the front of this month's issue.

I'd also like to thank whomever got me a subscription to this magazine. It rocks my life.

P.S. I am a such a loser. :-P

Flying...

2005-05-21T19:11:00.000-05:00

Flying makes me feel funny. I think of that scene from Love Actually at the beginning of the movie, and how everyone is being greeted at the airport and how it feels lovely and happy. I know that the movie doesn't really want you to think that, but I'm left with a sour taste in my mouth as I observe the travelers around me. Some are running and some are sitting - little more than warm statues filling the ripped seats of waiting areas.

I wonder how I look to them. A 20-something year old girl sitting alone with a red backpack and a dark rimmed glasses. I wonder if I look my age, but I actually feel about 14 years old.

I sit in a booth by myself. There's a napkin with crumpled corners in the middle of the table, and I can almost feel the grains of salt splashed across the seat through my capri pants. There are a bunch of pilots gossiping behind me about Delta and new planes and whether or not Delta will be bought out. I listen to them half heartedly while I look across and admire the attractive (unmarried in my mind because there is no ring sparkling from his left hand) pilot that just sat down diagonal from me. He's alone and I wonder what it would be like if I had the gall to ask a stranger to have lunch with me. Then I look down at my Auntie Anne's wax paper and realize that I have no lunch left. It doesn't matter. I never would have asked anyway.

At the airport before that one I sat down near an older woman. She reminded me of my grandmother that died (can it really be?) seven years ago. She smiles at me and says something that I can only half hear. Then she stands up and announces that she needs to go to the restroom before they board. I watch her take a seat next to me over my magazine. She tells me she has cancer and that she's worried about getting up the stairs to the plane. I told her that I'm sure someone we'll be able to help her. Then we board the plane and I never see her again.

The two men that are my traveling companions for the two legs of the trip are both married and are both gentlemen who speak with slow southern drawls. I wonder what it would be like if I could be good at small talk. I'd like to hear about their lives, but then I disappear into my 14 year old self and absorb myself in a book. Inside the book I read about myself (only not me because it's about a hermaphrodite) and about puberty and how I used to see myself. I remind myself that I'm not the person I was, but I know that a part of that girl still lives behind the sunburn and the glasses. I'm just not sure what to do with her.

There's an old woman sitting behind me on the first flight who has never flown. She comments on the length of the runway as if she knows what she is talking about. I immediately bristle. It reminds me of my grandparents and how they point things out to me over and over again. I wonder if it's because they think I've forgotten, didn't hear it the first time, or if they can't remember telling me. I think they might say it for their own sake. When they can tell me the same story about what happened in 1945, it reminds them that they were alive then and that their memories are real. That's what I think anyway.

I don't like flying because it makes your feet cold. The cold air streams out from vents near the floor, and no matter where I put my feet they are still cold. I know this will happen, but I always wear sandals. Maybe I hide behind those too. I like to wear them because you don't have to take them off for security. It didn't matter, though, because I was still "selected" to go through a full search. They put the metal detector in places metal detectors should not go, and as I stared off at the line of people getting to their respective gates, I feel like a terrorist. I may not be hiding a lighter or a bomb, but I am hiding myself. Is that so wrong?

I'm usually alone in airports because I usually fly alone. I think that by myself I'll be able to be free, but I find myself just feeling alone and very small. Kind of like the shopping centers and blue swimming pools from a thousand feet up. I don't know how to not feel that way and I wonder if I should feel that way - like my life is a game and the buildings and cars and things are just toys for some giant toddler.

When the wheels dropped for landing, I had a moment where I wondered what it would be like to die. In the few seconds I had left, would I regret anything? Would I wish I had done something? I realized that on a whole I felt rather content. I could die feeling moderately satisfied at the short life I had lived.

But I should have asked that pilot to eat lunch with me.

One more day...

2005-05-20T09:17:00.000-05:00

Today is my last full day in NC. I fly out of Raleigh/Durham airport tomorrow morning at 11:30 en route for Cincinatti and arriving in Erie by 4:30. It's going to be a long day, but I'll end up at home around 6. I have an hour and a half layover in Cinci...ick.

Last night, my sis, dad, and I ate at the Sanitary in Morehead City. Mmmm shrimp scampi! Then we went to DeeGees and looked around...per tradition. Finally, we ended up playing a round of mini golf at Jungle Land...and I lost. :(

The sunburn still kills and I'm praying that it feels better by tomorrow, or I'm going to have a miserable day of travel. It'll be better than riding in the car anyway.

So next week I have to get over to NWPres to get some work done. Woo. Lots to do in the next couple of weeks before I head out to Ligonier.

So I'm a compulsive away message checker and I have decided I now have a new ultimate pet peeve. I hate the people who put little notes into every away message for their significant other. It drives me crazy! "I love you, baby!" "Can't wait to see you!" "You are my world!" Maybe I'm just supremely cynical and slightly bitter, but it makes me irritable. Of course...the away message is a personal thing...and these people reserve the right to leave said messages. So I'm excited about not having AIM for two months just so I don't have to read away messages and profiles.

Okay. I'm getting sick of typing in this little box. Back to good ol' GC!

Book:

Middlesex by Jeffrey Eugenides

It's about a hermaphrodite and his family and it's good. Won the Pulitizer Prize. Check it out!

Holy balls...

2005-05-19T12:17:00.000-05:00

It's been years since I've had a sunburn this bad. Every movement hurts. I feel like every time my clothing brushes against my back that there are nails being forceably inserted into spine. :( I slept poorly last night (despite telling my grandma that I slept "just fine"...if I tell her I'm in pain she'll go crazy and try to feed me until I'm better).

I've noticed some things about my grandparents. They're a lot older now. My grandpa has a hard time hearing and understanding things. Grandma moves a little slower, but still measures her food out by cups. She's on a new diet where she eats very little. I think she's probably been dieting my whole life.

Yesterday, my dad told us a story about my grandfather falling out of the back of a bus because he thought there was a step (and it was a short bus too...oh the jokes...). We laughed along, but it just made me realize how fragile my grandparents are these days.

Grandpa took us onto the base today because he had to go shopping. Before that we went to this tourist center and he told us all about Havelock before it turned into the booming metropolis that he sees it as. While he shopped in the commissary, my sister and I looked around the Exchange. It brought back memories of being little and roaming around that place. It used to seem so big...

Last night we went to a jazz show. The 2nd Marine Aircraft Wing Jazz Band performed. They were incredible. There were three saxophonists who completely blew my mind. These guys should be famous. I have never heard players this good EVER. Before, we went to a Mexican restaurant up the road and I shared a margarita with my dad. They didn't believe I was 21. No one has believed me since I got here on Saturday.

I've been thinking about a lot of stuff. I guess I always am. I've been spending a lot of time remembering a lot of bad. I try to think of good times (with my parents, grandparents, and even stuff that happened this year) but I get stuck on these memories. This place stinks of times gone past. I don't know how to forget those things. I don't know if I should. A friend spoke of his ability to forget...I wish I had that ability. I wish I could enter a situation without these memories that haunt me every time I walk through another door. I wish I didn't fall asleep and see people and things that were.

It hurts. Both my flesh and my insides. These are the things that make us better. I don't know how much I believe that, but I'll continue to say that I do because it shows people that I'm not really bothered by the past, that I'm strong.

Anywho...a recommendation?

Food:

For Gosh's sake...get to your nearest Chic Fil A and eat some chicken.

Umm ouch.

2005-05-18T14:21:00.000-05:00

So I have the complexion of a lobster. And it hurts like heck. I'm smart enough to know that sunscreen is helpful when one spends 3 hours in the sun, but I thought, "Eh...whatever." So now I hurt. But it will turn into a lovely tan soon. Ahhh vanity...

Your recommendation for the day? Music...

Hot Fuss by The Killers

Oooohh I need only reference Mr. Brightside...this CD is pure wonderfulness!

Time to watch TV mindlessly! Yay!

The Segment!

2005-05-17T17:40:00.000-05:00

So I forgot to recommend a book/band/food/movie/something...

Today's recommendation falls under the category of band...

Check out Rob Blackledge... www.myspace.com/robblackledge

He's an acoustic-y, rockish artist who is currently doing shows with Dave Barnes or Matt Wertz or both (can't remember...) and hails from good ol' Nashville. He just released a CD in April. Click on the link and do some listening. Mmmmm goodness. :) Ah Libby would be proud.

Okay...tis my time to do something of value...like run...and then watch American Idol...and then eat ice cream to counteract the running.

Oh. And on another note. I decided that if I'm not married by the time I'm 30, I'm moving to Italy and marrying a beautiful Italian man. That is all.

I don't know.

2005-05-17T09:39:00.000-05:00

I'm on day three of my one week vacation in NC. Time flies when you're doing almost nothing. For the sake of not having to type too much, I'm going to give a very brief description of what I've been up to.

- drove to the beach, bad weather, left beach, ate at Sonic
- went to New Bern, listened to Allison's directions, got a little lost, found Books a Million, looked for book, drove home
- went to Kuboto (a Japanese steak house) and had a gross amount of sushi, came home and watched Phantom of the Opera

Whenever I'm at the beach, I always find myself waxing philosophic. I was thinking about the water and how every time it washes up on shore it's new. I was thinking about the foam that the surf leaves, and the way that the bubbles can last forever. I was thinking about the seashells and stones and how they've probably never been touched by human hands.

I want to be like that. I want to be new every 10 seconds and I want to be untouched. I wish I were untouched by the crap that life hands out. But then I was thinking about the trash that would wash up on shore, and that no matter how clear the water seemed, there was always something to darken it. The sea has been used in so many poems and stories and I can see why.

This time away from everything has been good. I keep having moments where I think, "Did that really happen?" And the answer is yes every time. I just don't know anymore.

Now it's time to go to the beach. Hopefully it will be nicer today than yesterday.

Holy Crap.

2005-05-15T19:30:00.000-05:00

I just found out that I got $5,000 from the PGA. That's $5,000 that goes straight to my bank account. I can buy a car. Holy crap. I'm rich. Wow.

Okay. I'm going to do something now. Wow.

oh I almost forgot...

2005-05-15T12:13:00.000-05:00

I got hit on by a guy who works at the Indian restaurant. I had on my, "Jesus is my homeboy" t-shirt and he came up to me, winked, and said, "Jesus, huh?" I laughed nervously and said, "Yeah...Jesus." He smiled and winked again and went back to the kitchen leaving me moderately stunned.

Funny stuff. Really. Who hits on someone by saying, "Jesus, huh?"

That is all.

In NC...

2005-05-15T12:05:00.000-05:00

Twelve hour car rides stink. My dad, sis, and I made the trek from balmy PA to not quite so balmy Havelock, NC. It's probably 75 degrees outside. Not what I was expecting, but it's better than 100 degrees, I guess.

We stopped off in Charlottesville, VA to have lunch with Bryan and Amberly. It was great to see my big bro after a year. We went to this Indian restaurant and had the lunch buffet. For my own sake...vegetable masala is what you like, Nadia. Let's discuss the yummy goodness of Indian food. Okay...so let's not. But yes. Good food. It was so nice to see Bryan. I've missed him tremendously. It was crazy to walk through his house and talk to him about the ring band he wants to have custom made for Amberly's engagement ring. My friends are growing up. I wonder if I should be...

Every year I come down here, there's always some predominant issue on my mind. I always have a goal and I always have something that I want to accomplish. It's kind of silly, but I always find that I measure myself against my old self. Everywhere I look there are signs of the life I used to live down here. It's odd to think of who I was and who I am now.

Today at church, I met this girl and she asked how old I was. When I said I'm 21 she said, "Wow," with this shocked look on her face. Am I really that old? Inside, I kind of feel like I'm some arbitrary age that still hasn't realized the degree of responsibility that I will need to take on sometime soon. I feel like I'm 17, not 21. I don't know if that's a good thing. But at the same time I feel 17, I really, really don't.

On a completely unrelated note, in church, I spent the entire sermon critiquing every single thing the pastor said. I do this all of the time and it is kind of annoying sometimes. He made the claim that God makes three "comprehensive statements about himself." He said these are: God is Spirit, God is light, and God is love. However, last I checked, the book of John is filled with, "I am" statements. God as bread, as living water, as the shepherd, etc. The Old Testament (which he mentioned maybe twice) is even more full of statements that God makes about himself (i.e. shepherd, rock, I AM, etc.). I didn't really like the sermon. It was about "The Greatest Verse"...being John 3:16. He had some good points, but his exegesis lacked. Sometimes I wished I could just listen to sermons and appreciate them, but I can't anymore.

So I decided to introduce a new segment to my blog. It shall be called...

NADIA'S RECOMMENDED BOOK/BAND/FOOD OF THE DAY!

Not so exciting I realize, but if you have a more clever idea for the title, let me know.

Here is my recommendation for the day. It falls under the category of "book."

the curious incident of the dog in the night-time by Mark Haddon

Written from the perspective a young autistic boy, this book rings with a riduclous profundity. As Christopher Boone attempts to solve a murder mystery concerning his neighbor's poodle, Wellington, he delves into issues of math, his likes and dislikes, and by doing so reveals much about life and love.

Read it.

Okay...I'm off to watch TV or hang out in a pampas plant or something.

Leaving on a carplane...

2005-05-13T09:23:00.000-05:00

The salty beaches and green golf courses of Coastal Carolina beckon. My suitcase does not. You see, I have been putting off packing for about three days now. Today must be the day that I shove a ridiculous amount of clothing, books, and other acoutrements into two bags (and only two because I have to fly home and I refuse to deal with more than that).

When left to my own devices, I tend to adopt summer as a reflecting time. There's nothing wrong with that, I suppose, but as my summer speeds along (a week and counting!) I realize that I have very little summer left. Upon my return from NC, I will have approximately two weeks to get my life together for the next year. This includes packing for Ligonier and packing to move into my apartment in August.

Reflecting, right? Got a little off there...

Anywho, I've been doing some reflecting. I've been trying to see where and how I've changed and what that means as I commit to a summer of ministry. It may turn out to mean very little or it may end up meaning a lot. I don't know so much at this point. I would like to believe that the events of this year have made me more aware, have made me stronger. Whether or not that's true, I have a hard time saying.

I think about where I have been with God. (Now I attempt to not speak in cliches...). I realize that I was distracted by a lot for a while there. I let so much fall in between me and the One to whom I owe everything. I've talked a lot about regret recently, and I'm not sure if I truly regret anything except for this: letting my life become more important than the One who lets me live. That brings me great pain, but also great forgiveness and a great lesson.

So much is uncertain right now. There is certainty in my plans, but uncertainty in my readiness. I don't know what will happen for the rest of this summer, but I'm trying to trust.

Sooo about that packing thing? I swear I'm going to get on that...

Ah summer.

2005-05-12T10:01:00.000-05:00

Yesterday, I read a book whilst lying in a hammock. I have officially decided that it is summertime. I'm reading The Red Tent by Anita Diamant. It's about Dinah, daughter of Leah (one of Jacob's 4 wives), and the story of the family from the women's perspective. So far I'm enjoying it.

Yesterday was an interesting day. Let me explain further so that you might understand the interestingness of said day.

My mom woke me up early because she and my grandfather had argued. She wanted to leave the house...so I said okay and we went to the outlet mall to search for a suit for me. We found one, which surprised me to no end. And only for $100 dollars. Talk about exciting!

After that we came home for a little bit before Al had to work her first shift at County Market. Poor thing... After Al went to work, mom and I pretended we weren't done suit shopping and drove to Ohio to buy Smirnoff Twisted. Yes. My mom and I went on a booze run to Youngstown. First off, Youngstown is scary. Be careful. Second, it's kind of fun buying alcohol with your mother. Weird? Yes. But fun.

When all of that was over, I read for a while, watched American Idol from last night, talked to Mike for the last time before he took off for Hawaii :'(, and then went out to Eat N Park with Ben and Jim.

Tonight I'm going to the Lube with some people. That should be entertaining in itself. I don't know what else I'm doing today. I kind of feel like going somewhere, but when don't I? Maybe I'll just read and drink sweet tea (courtesy of the lovely Erin Smith) and enjoy my freedom for a day. I leave for NC on Saturday...so maybe I'll just lounge around the house.

Wow. This post kind of sucked. Oh well.

oh so blessed.

2005-05-10T22:56:00.000-05:00

So tonight I went to the Thai Place in Shadyside for my birthday. What an evening! I have never felt more honored and grateful in my entire life. The food was incredible, but the company was so much greater.

I sometimes wonder if it's worth it to even try to hold on to friends that I could consider "for life" friends. But tonight I was surrounded by people that I pray will be forever friends. I don't really have words to express what it means to me to have so many people who genuinely care about me and who I can care about. It is a blessing beyond measure.

I did have a couple of glasses of wine. I figured I only turn 21 once. I also realized that I am a light weight and that those two glasses were enough to make me a wee bit tipsy. It was entertaining to say the least.

The day ended off with an angry grandfather. But who knows why he's mad...sometimes he gets like that.

So it's been a full day. I wish I was feeling more poetic than I am, but I don't know what to say. Just thanks...and :).

It's my birthday.

2005-05-10T10:15:00.000-05:00

So today is the day of my 21st birthday. Weird. I thought it would feel different. I guess that's silly, but still...every year I think I'll feel different.

Instead...I'm feeling much like I have been for the past week or so...and maybe a little bit worse.

You know what sucks? Realizing that for all of the time that you cared about someone else that they never cared about you. That sucks. It's hard to admit and it's hard to face. At least it is for me. Makes me wonder why I chose to give so much of myself to a person. I can't take that back now. What bothers me even more is that, given the chance, I would take it back. I can't say I've been in many situations where I've felt that way.

But I move on, I guess. It happens.

On a much more cheery note...I'm going out to dinner with around 15 of my closest friends tonight! I wish Jenny could be there...but Athens, OH is a long way away. Recently, I have realized just how much support I have. I truly have a community of people around me - holding me accountable and pouring into my life. When you have friends like mine...who needs anyone else? :-P

Extraordinary?

2005-05-09T16:56:00.000-05:00

I wrote this a while ago and thought that it kind of pertained to what I was thinking about yesterday. Funny how that works?

*~*

I think there are moments in this life that define us. There are those experiences that we enter into as one person, and leave as another. There are moments of extreme emotion that turn the rudder of our fickle human hearts in unexpected directions. Yes, experience defines us – in both tangible and intangible ways. But what about the inherent? What about those parts of us that just are? Certainly, our character is constructed through the sum of life’s moments, but what about ambition, honesty, or integrity? Are these things accumulated through the trials and errors of life’s steps?

I believe in the value of living each moment for itself. I believe that there is infinite joy, pain, love, and hate in every second. Every moment has its own levels of grief and angst, celebration and exuberance. I believe that the ‘extraordinary’ lurks behind every smile and every wink of an eye. I see the ‘extraordinary’ when I watch the clouds make shadow puppets on a snowy Pennsylvanian hillside. I see the ‘extraordinary’ when I look into the eyes of a child experiencing something for the very first time. It is the wonder of hearing a newborn cry, or the feeling in your chest when you gaze into the casket of a loved one recently departed. It is the full spectrum of the human experience. It is what makes us all ‘extraordinary.’

And maybe the most extraordinary thing of all is when you catch a glimpse of ‘it’ within yourself. It takes the love of another. It requires that you look into the eyes of someone who sees you exactly for who you are, and you catch the reflection. To realize one’s own belonging to the world of the extraordinary requires abandon. This abandon must occur, and it must give way to utter vulnerability. It is only when you are living just as you are, and not as you see yourself, that the spark of marvelous creation can blink, open eyes wide, and peek through your very heart and soul, and out into the world.

A deeper glance into every pair of eyes will reveal a glimpse of the supernatural. Plato recognized it. It’s called life. It’s what separates us from a book on a shelf, or a blender whirring on the counter. There is something within each of us that screams to be seen, heard, felt, and tasted. When we deny those things we deny our very souls. Watch your hand melt like wax before your face and you will see why Descartes doubted. We must confront our dreams and claim our existence. We must stop living for others and recognize that our reason for living lies within.

We are more valuable than we think. I don’t know if we’re all extraordinary. I’d like to think I am, but maybe it is for that reason that I am not. All I know is that I can no longer accept what the world tells me matters. I say that I can’t accept it, but tomorrow morning my heart will beat with a desire to look and feel like everyone else. I don’t know how to be extraordinary. I don’t know how to take all that I see and sense and make it real for me. I say I believe in so much, but I do not live as if I do. I want to. Just as much as I want to be appreciated as a part of this world – lauded for my triumphs and recognized for my worth. I want to be seen and unseen. I want to be used and fulfilled. I want to be unique and the same. I want everything when what I need is nothing that I do not already possess.

too much to think about...

2005-05-08T23:13:00.000-05:00

I don't typically post twice in one day, but I got to thinking about some things so I decided to vent.

There are days like today where I just feel kind of lost. There are things that I want and need, but I have no idea how to deal with them. I don't know if it's right to desire some of the things that I do. I feel myself growing angst-ridden. I'm not so much in the mood for that.

I don't want to talk about that so much. I'd rather talk about the fact that I can't seem to separate myself form the world. I can't separate myself in that I can't seem to find a way to make myself feel worthy apart from making comparisons. I see what other people have and I pass judgement on myself. It's as if because I don't have those things that I have nothing. No. I don't have a significant other. I did, and I took a lot of comfort in that. It was a place to hide, a place to say, "Hey, look! Someone wants me!"

Well, what happens when someone doesn't want you anymore? Suddenly I feel like poo because I don't look like everyone else. And the thing is...not everyone has that. Not everyone is attached at the hip to a boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife/whatever. I can only see the ones that are. My vision has this filter that only sees committed couples. I hate that.

I also see how my value lies in other people. I'm worthless if there aren't people to tell me that I do have worth. It's a catch 22 of sorts. People both own and embody my worth.

What I want...and here's the important part...is to feel worthy without needing another person. To appreciate and bask in the warmth of another's love is a gift. But to place your whole worth and identity on that person is a curse. I want to end the curse. I want to be comfortable with me. I want to be more than comfortable. I wish I knew what that looked like.

I'm sure I'm not done with this topic. I think it's important and that it deserves some research and thought. I'll definitely come back to it.

a new beginning...

2005-05-08T13:53:00.000-05:00

So for some reason (beyond my feeble powers of comprehension...and more than likely out of sheer boredom) I have decided to move my blogging escapades from livejournal over here.

I mean, hey, look around. It's kinda nice. It has polka dots. Who doesn't like polka dots? Why do they call them polka dots?

I am hoping that by moving to a more chic site that it will up the quality of said blogging. Who knows? All I know is that I woke up this morning and said, "You know what, me?" And I responded, "What?" "I think it's time to move over to blogger.com." "Oh," I said, with a mild look of surprise. "Okay."

After I finished talking to myself (and don't worry...it doesn't happen nearly as often as it used to...) I sat down at my computer and made the move. The incomprehensible ramblings and nonsense will continue on as always. Only there are polka dots. :)